What we seek; seeks us back.

“The ideal of every human being is to be good, to be happy and to find God”

                            -Sri Sri Paramahansa Yogananda

Last week I was invited at a city college to take a workshop on S.O.S Janata, in Chaupal a BMM fest and the topic was Environment. The purpose was to sensitize the students on the need to become aware of how we can make a difference towards a cleaner, greener world. Being the member of the Panchmama Alliance which works towards the environmental cause of awakening the dreamer from its slumber of consumerlepsy, I had pledged to take this cause forward to the youth.

I began the workshop with asking the students where they were in their life and what is it that they want today. The first group composed of all young boys replied in unison, ‘Girls’. The other said Money while the third echoed Career. The honesty was exciting and they were happy that they knew where they were going. I then asked them, “what will you want when you are fifty?’ The group chatted and their faces turned serious and the answers were; Peace; happiness and Love. They looked at each other and were surprised that their present goals did not include the latter needs. Obviously they had not thought about it till someone had pushed them to. Are we too naïve to believe that money, work and women will satisfy us. We need to think carefully about what we seek!

There is so much in this world that seeks us out. The neon signs boards attract us to reach out and buy the products it lights, the malls with its windows dressed up with Christmas trees enchants our eyes and the radio blasts with discounts galore. Our senses are so entwined in the rope of consumerlepsy that we are unable to untie it. As we get encircled by the glow we believe that it is what we seek. As our night sleep is disturbed by our addictive habits and our day brims with burgers and cola, we are tied up in the uprising of our shadow self. It is taking us into a quagmire of betrayal of the seeker. Is the seeking a reflection of the seeker. As the young students realized it what they thought they were seeking was just too superficial and momentary but what they would seek was long lasting and meaningful. It’s time that we understood that what we seek, seeks us back.  The student seeking friends gets to make some, the clerk seeking a raise works hard to get some while the boss whose wife is bored gets her wrath to change his ways. Most of the time we don’t know what is our seeking.  

As a sixteen year old friends and fantasy trails abound and everything around takes a pink tinge. What elders are saying, what teachers are trumpeting seems so redundant. Teenagers wonder, “What’s their problem? Why are they on our case?” Parents seek some respect but they are so confused and angry with the situation that they think, “Why can’t the kids just listen.” Demands on both sides seem never ending but no one seems to just sit down and think seriously about how this situation can get better.

I may not have all the answers but I write through my experience of being a parent who has made mistakes and have been helped by my personal experience as a psychotherapist and now as a spiritual seeker. Some of the answers came to me through books, some through mistakes but most of them just came; I just allowed them to come from my heart. I said, ‘I love my daughter… what I do out of love must be wonderful and right. So let me.”

 As I listened to my inner intuition and followed the magic words that emerged, over the years I have become finer tuned to her needs and mine too. I knew that today she is after her fantasy; she is not going to listen, for her experience is limited. Spirituality and the jewels it brings to me are not being taught to her but am I just going to wait for her to turn fifty before she realizes the real worth of seeking. So I decided to teach her without books, speak to her without expectation and be with her in her moods. Not to spout moral dictums or paraphrase her words so that I feel better. Not ask her to chant mantras nor show her what is right. Not compare her to my neighbor’s perfect child nor coax her for better marks. Her dressing style was hers and her uncombed hair her style statement. I knew all this would transform in time. I was not going to hurry time for I would be a fool to think I could. I decided to formulate my ten rules to becoming a spiritual parent. I wish to share them with you.

v  Stop Parroting Ignorant Repeats Incessantly, Turn Up Around and Let Go.

Most of the times when I wanted her to do something I would go on and on and on. I was not aware that I was going insane repeating the same statement over and over again. I was so engrossed in my need to getting her to listen to what I thought was right that everything was going wrong. Even if my daughter indicated to me that I was repeating the same stuff, I would be angry. One day I caught myself... heard myself... gosh!!! I was aghast. I sounded so stupid. I asked myself, “Am I stupid?” No, came the reply. 

I decided that when I am upset I am going to get up, turn and leave. I am going to let the matter be and let it solve on its own. In a few weeks as I persisted my daughter used to return to speak more and ask me for my advice. She also started following it. I continued to remain calm and turn up, around and leave and found that I was becoming calmer and my mind was peaceful. She too was happier.

We had found our happiness mean. I have to keep catching myself even now after all this time but then I enjoy the growth in my spiritual being which is learning to witness. I love this exercise now and thank my child for leading me to this progressive path of prayer.

v  Give up and get on with your work.

Have you stopped living your dream? Have you dedicated yourself to the home maker role to the exclusion of your personal wishes and dreams? Wake up! Awaken the passion which seems to be lying dormant. Look around and find the doorway which is going to take you towards your own fulfillment.

All of us have many roles to play- father, mother, husband, wife, grandfather, niece and neighbor. All these roles slot you in a stereotyped existence. Our conditioning preempts our behavior. It’s time we consider a role which is more personal and meaningful- to ourselves… to us, to me. It’s time to get to know oneself intimately. Get up and get on with it. I assure you when your child is older he or she will thank you for it. 

v  Meddle less and match more.

All teenagers at some time or the other have said, “Leave my things alone; just let it be; I‘ll do it later; you will never understand; it’s time to match steps with them than meddle with them. Decades have gone by and we have grown years since we attended school and college. A lot has changed in the world externally and children are reacting to this change. In time they will know what they seek is only the tip of the iceberg called life… what is more consequential lies beneath; and they will uncover it… time will do it for them… we need to just be present.  We need to be in the now with them. When they are upset, be there. Don’t give advice or get into a moralizing standpoint. Match more to their feelings and they will begin to share. Have you seen a young child riding his fantasy as he rushes with a toy plane and flies it running in circles? You are trying to feed him but he is oblivious to it. You keep calling him, raising your voice and getting irritated but nothing works. At last you lose patience and pull him thrusting a morsel in his mouth which he promptly spits.  You were meddling with his act; what you could have done is sat in his fantasy flight and enjoyed with him and then fed him the morsel. This is what is spiritual matching. Buddha said sit and you will awaken.

v  Let’s take your way:

Teen age is when hormones speak and dance. They dance with joy and run with abandon.  Parents have finished with their chemical confusion. They are more stable and in some ways have become boring. Why not follow their way. The way of exploration. Shopping with a teen is strenuous. Either they want what you detest or disapprove, or they want what their friends want or they want what was shown on television or they are just confused. After much argument they buy only to be discarded after a week when the fashion changes. So a budget is important. Let them know the amount you can keep aside for the shopping and don’t alter it. Remember guilt has no place here. You must take their way- be firm and direct.

v  Fix up the house with smart talk.

I remember the days when my daughter had begun to read. I decided that instead of me telling her what to do I would put up messages for her around the house. So on the fridge came up – Be Good; on the door – let in love; On the window- drink and win and on the bed – sleep soon.  Every week messages were changed and many rules were learnt in a fun manner. Your teeth are bright, smile was on the bath mirror and on her plate I had painted- Wow! You eat all. The appropriate behavior was set early by reading right. So fix up your home with messages that empower.

As a teenager I continued to paste thoughts of the day. I didn’t ask her to read it, she just read it.

v  Allow the messiness to stay.

Let the room be untidy, the desk messy, the books spread out and the computer dusty. Put a message everyday on the wall soft board – I want to clean my room, I have my books in order etc. When the messages are put in the first person, unknowingly the person begins to view them and a time comes when acts on them. It takes time but have patience. As the mind gets organized within the world outside will become in order.

v  Less choice

As a parent we feel we must give the child many choices so that he can be helped more. This I have found does not work. The child is looking at you for guidance. The choices that you have gathered, actually you don’t know much about them. No research has gone into it. This leaves you equally frustrated.  Instead of saying, “What will you eat? The question, “This is made for dinner, come and eat it” helps especially when the child is younger. Later choices can be given as the child matures. Do you remember how your child began to eat junk food? Not in the first few years but later. Why and how did this happen? Was it because you were out dinning with friends or at a birthday party or maybe out of social pressure or peer pressure? Less choice helps is keeping good health. In my home only a simple meal is cooked. Everyone eats the same meal. There is no special dish made for anyone. We eat every vegetable and pulses. No tantrums are entertained. This has led to our meals becoming hassle free and healthy.  

v  Budgeting the wallet

The world is full of distractions. There is a lot that you can buy for your child and overlook the budget. I completely believe in the proverbial statement, spread your legs as the size of your blanket. This is something that must be inculcated from a young age. A few years ago my nephew had arrived on a visit from Canada. He was about seven years old. One day I took him to a book store and told him that my budget for his book was 200 rupees. I told him to look around and buy which ever book he liked. His hyperactive limbs ran around and he zipped past the bookshelves faster than my eyes could move. He looked at me and then said, “Well, suppose if the book costs more than your budget then?” “Well”, I said to him, “If you can read the book I will buy it for you.” He quickly picked up a Harry Potter book and started reading it. I bought it for him. When children are able to convince us that the stuff is worth his attention budgets can always be altered.  

v  Encourage abilities:

Monday to Sunday the children are running from one extra class to the other. Are they learning anything or is it all a sham. This has to stop for it places undue pressure on the child. There is comparison and competition where there is no need.  He is watched in school, on the sports ground and in the pool.  The child is under scrutiny for what he does and says. Every child comes with a special gift. This gift or talent is to be nurtured. By the time t he child is three his ability generally is visible. Either he speaks well, loves to paint, dance, run, break toys or cycle. Observe what he likes doing. Slowly play with him as you are the most important person in his life. If you cycle with him he will too. If you swim he will too, if you paint and enjoy he will enjoy and slowly when the time comes he can be trained in one or two skills which he enjoys. Encourage don’t try and look for his entertainment. Children don’t need to be placed in classes to be entertained.

v  Remember the teen age.

This age is precious and precocious.  At this age they Try Each and Every Nut. Ever thing is to be tried and tested.  Every nut seems to fit into their bolt. They don’t want to discard anything. Don’t create fear for this will disturb them as it will create all kinds of negative ideas about the world in which they live. Articles and books should be left at their bedside to read. Discussions in the house should be on various topics. News is a must watch as it helps them to know more about journalism and the power of the media. Watch other shows with them too. Keep abreast with what is going on in their world. Don’t step in as that is prohibited. Don’t try and ask your child to accept you as a friend in your FB account. They don’t like it. There is nothing different about your little princess…. She has just grown older. In time things will change.

Accept that things were not the same and they are not going to remain the same, they are going to change and very soon you will wonder when the princess grew up.

With patience you will realize that what we seek, seeks us back…. with interest.