Relation shit to Relationship- The see- saw that marriage sits on.

Those who have been reading the articles since a couple of months must have realized that I write from a spiritual space. Recently I read that astronomically in 1972 there was an explosion on the sun resulting in the sun now being about 13 degrees out of alignment with the planets. It is said that the sun represents the masculine principle and the planets the feminine. If so we could say that the masculine and feminine principles are out of sync, they are not in harmony. If we take the principle,” As above, so below”, we can come to the conclusion that this imbalance must also be reflected in the male female relationships here on planet earth. This does sound a possibility as since the last three decades the battle between the sexes has taken center stage and gained in momentum over the years. Everything in this universe is interlinked. Nothing occurs in isolation. Relationships today are the tools for effecting enormous spiritual and personal growth.

In a world today where chaos rules, aggression is seen as a means to survival. People use this mode to make gains in the outer world. When they achieve a fair amount of success through this, it is seen as a workable solution solver and they find it a quick and effective way to solve problems on the home front too. With reduction of patience and tolerance this has become habitual reactionary pattern for couples in relationships too. Each person believes that his way of thinking is the only way of perceiving the ground on which they tread. Couples tend to spend a large amount of time trying the get the partner to look at the world through their eyes. Thus the relationship begins with an imbalance of power. Each partner sitting on either ends of the see-saw. One partner looking down on the other, controlling where the balance will shift next. Can trust feature in such a relationship??  

The other debilitating symptom, which plagues relationship, is doubt. Many women say about their men- “I don’t know if he will always love me” or “He was so different when we met and now he has changed. I can’t recognize him.”  Recently a young girl all of 28 years told me- “There is no guarantee in marriage and I see this as a big risk!!!! Another one told me, “who wants One per Do free’- meaning the boys parents. It’s not only the women but men who speak about the inability to let go of their bachelor parties and roving eye and see no harm in surfing porno sites to satisfy their excessive sexual energy. Checking their spouse’s mobile is done without thinking it is an intrusion in the wife’s privacy. One husband told me,’ what privacy does my wife need, she is at home all day.” The pervading self-centeredness is visible in all today. Only I am the firm resolve in relationships. Mutual consideration is not even considered. Where does that leave commitment?? Thus humans will have to consciously make a choice to understand the dynamics of relationship from a spiritual aspect. What is the purpose of close intimate relationships???

It is amazing how little we understand the changing face of humanity. Can anything remain the same?? The world that exists outside exists within. The reason that couples go to hill stations for their honeymoon is to try and recreate the beauty within. Places have energy that helps in bonding. Is it possible to create that magic within your home?? Yes, if you live consciously. Those marriages that make it to the golden anniversary must be doing something to last a near lifetime. They do not expect their partner to be responsible for their life. In such a marriage each partner is committed separately to making the vow to be in the marriage. They have taken it upon themselves to continue doing and saying positive and energizing words which will impact their relationship in a positive manner. There is a deep understanding that the person whom you fell in love with has had to face many trials and shattering of his personal expectations. The anger or irritation that your partner feels may have nothing to do with you or your behavior but something to do with his personal unmet goals. But the other partner takes it personally and feels that all that is spoken is being directed at her. Listening skills reduce and then the wife only listens to the voice in her head which says,” Your needs are never going to be met,” “Leave him and move”, “You are not worth this.”

The need of the hour is to change the way the relationship is being perceived by the two people involved in this relation shit.

 Unless the person in the relationship does not change the lens of looking at the problem, all change is superficial. Also if they expect that this problem has to be fixed then they will be disappointed as the couple will have to see the change as a constant process. Marriage as a relationship is in a constant flux. At one moment everything feels great at the very next all hell breaks loose. Marriage as an institution is age old but the rules to survive in it have changed.

The need to respect the efforts put in by the partner must be acknowledged. The efforts may have been very small but just the fact that someone whom you love sees it and spells it out helps. Some husbands will say- Do I have to praise my wife’s cooking everyday? It is so false. The husband obviously doesn’t understand that to maintain a marriage the couple will have to work on it continuously. Also whets the harm in praising your wife’s cooking??  Some males think it’s not the truth so why should I say it. Interesting as the same man may turn around the next time and say to his wife,

 “Why can’t you just fake an orgasm so I feel good?” Recognize that you are using double standards in your life.

 When relationships begin to deteriorate it always includes a third angle. This third angle most people believe is another person. But most of the times in my practice, I have seen that this place is occupied by many other factors.

 70% of the time it is work... the man is wedded to it. His need to perform and become appreciated for it in terms of promotions, kudos from the boss, climbing the ladder of the illusionary niche and belonging to the ever-growing fraternity of work-o-bores takes priority. The second factor is the greed to have more, more of the same thing. The marketing mantra of “don’t be santhust’ has been taken literally. Thirdly having someone in the work place with which you can share your woes just makes the spouse redundant. Unfortunately this is now more and more applicable to the female too. So the marriage see –saw includes two people both who want the same thing. Interestingly this should not have any problem, but it is???

Raima (name changed) is working in a multinational and drawing a five-figure salary. Her husband sushant (name changed) works long hours too and also draws a five-figure salary. They have recently bought a house and furnished it with the help of an interior designer. Their closets are filled with designer wear and their refrigerators with goodies. They take trips often and are concerned about which party they will be invited to next. This couple belongs to the neo riche generation who both has a dream to be where they are today. So in their words, “We both have fulfilled our common dream, but we don’t seem to be happy. We are constantly picking on each other, blaming for small things and finding faults. We are sick and tired and think we should separate.” As they spoke about it their body language was distant. First they sat quite far away from each other. Secondly they didn’t make any eye contact or acknowledge what each other said by turning their face or nodding their heads when the other spoke. Thirdly when one person spoke the other would butt in and say-.”But that’s not true actually....” When you distance from your partner physically it does not take too long to feel disconnected and in time disowned. The reason why the relationship began in the first place does not exist any longer. Touch is the first sensation with which we connect to our world when we enter the earth dimension and this is what we need to keep connecting to it- through the relationships. We will only remember those who either hugged us or abused us. Make a conscious decision to attract love by hugging those you love.

The new age wave that couples are riding on is maybe incomprehensible for many. The reasons are plenty both emotional and material that make couples don’t see eye to eye but the changing face of human relationships must be understood as we enter towards 2012.

 Being a Spiritual Life Coach, the understanding of the change is the first step in making relationships committed. In the last decade there has been a shift in the way people view commitment. We must all know that there is a masculine and feminine side in all of us. Each one of us has to become aware and appreciate that this makes us whole. To negate one aspect does not help is integrating the relationship. The reason that we attract someone s energy in our life is because we have little of it. We need it to move in our evolutionary pathway towards wholeness. Appreciating aspects the other person brings into your life will do this. If it is financial security that you are fearful about and that is what your partner completes you with appreciate it instead of saying a million things that you actually don’t need but think you do because what you get is not attended to. If your husband loves you but is not financially secure, complement him by helping to burn your kitchen fires but don’t make it an issue for separation as you needed love and you got it. Recognize what completes you in a relationship and you will be able to appreciate and reward your partner.

Remember if a man wants to dominate he may actually get a dominating wife, as he has to learn to tone down his reactions. His wife will be his guru who will teach him what he has to learn. We learn from those with whom we have a problem or they would not be there in our life.

“Move from relationshit to relationship, the journey begins with a smile and hug”