Soul Searching In Relationship

        

   “Are soul mates only positive, loving and nurturing or can they help you to learn other difficult lessons?” Read on and find out.

Relationships are like sand, the more you try to hold them the more they seem to slip. In my practice as a psychologist, people in disturbed relationships form a large group of clients who come for psychotherapy. Many do not want to undergo deep psychotherapeutic healing but are keen to find answers superficially. They just want to clean the dust over the image of their partner and feel all is well. My work I know is not over for after a few years they will arrive back at my clinic and say, ‘It’s happening again. It was better for some time but again the relationship is deteriorated. Please help me.” This, is when I will suggest, “Why don’t you try a past life session? Maybe you will find answers which may resolve the problem in your mind and spiritually you will be able to connect to the purpose of having them in your life.”

Past life regression therapy can help people understand why they live in an abusive relationship? Whether they need to continue or is it the end of the road for them. I believe that we are meant to be happy with our partner and if there is sadness, humiliation and abuse in a relationship then time has come for forgiveness.

Take the example of  Sarita. She was a successful surgeon and lived with her physician husband and nine year old son. It was an arranged marriage and the family thought the match was made in heaven. They came from middle class homes where their visiting card identity gave then an upper hand in society. They were happy and life was exciting. They decided to make a comfortable home for their arrival a year later – their son. No one could have imagined what was about to unfold.

Sarita had no suspicion that while she was at her mother’s home during delivery of her son her husband was secretly seeing another woman. On her arrival she saw her husband’s indifference. She wondered whether she was to blame for it. She asked him to forgive her as she had been so preoccupied. Her husband smiled and remained quiet. A few months passed and one day she saw him getting into the car and talking on the mobile phone. She glanced at her husband’s mobile which she saw lying on the dining table. This is when she realized that he had another mobile phone which was kept in the car. Sarita’s suspicions were proved right when she spoke to the hospital nurses where her husband worked and they spilled the beans. Her husband had been acting in a promiscuous manner with women for the past many years. She caught the mobile laden with unacceptable messages and images. When she confronted him, he had no choice but to own up. This broke Sarita. She was devastated and wanted to know why this had happened to her. She said she could never forgive him and wanted to make him suffer. When she arrived at my clinic she was crying uncontrollably. I knew she must get her answers or she will blame herself all her life. She will think maybe she was not a good wife.

Her first session was deep and emotional. She saw herself as a woman living in a small village in Maharashtra, India. She was happily married to a young man. He was a farmer and they were in the field when she entered into the past life. The entry point is always where the subject will find herself just before the trauma occurs. If it has happened in adolescence then the subject will enter at age 10 or 12, sometimes even at age 6 or 8. Sarita named herself as Kusum as she heard her husband say her name. She described her house which was simple and small made of cow dung and with dry leaves as a roof. She sees herself cooking on a choola (Indian gas stove made of clay). She had an infant son who was a few months old sleeping in the cradle.

Once you ground your energy in the past life body, the life unfolds and as she described herself and the situation it was time to move to events. At this time the trance state must be deepened so that more information emerges.

Sarita was moved to the next scene and she saw herself standing at the door waiting for her husband. This is the time when there is nothing happening and to keep the subject in this state too long is not beneficial. The therapist must say, ‘A few minutes have gone by and now at the count of 3 you will find yourself in a significant situation.’

As Sarita moved she suddenly felt someone holding her shoulders. She feels the grip growing tighter and then a hand comes over her mouth. She finds herself struggling as an attempt to scrams has been muffled. She finds herself thrown on the cot and a man’s body over her. She thinks it is her husband and for a few minutes she stops struggling. As I urge her to see the husbands face, she says,”Oh! Its dark but this is not my husband. “How do you know?” I ask and she says, “I know”. This means that she still could not see but she could feel. This means that her consciousness has shifted the message sensor from vision to tactile. Sarita feel the sexual assault and when she sees the man’s face she recognizes it as her husband’s in this life. The man was a stranger who was the village drunkard and had always had his eyes on his friend’s wife. Now he had got the opportunity and was doing this evil act. This results in Sarita squirming and crying out in pain. This is the release that needs to occur. The emotion of pain, hurt, anger and humiliation. She is unable to free herself out of the man’s clutches and succumbs to it. She dies leaving behind her infant son and a grieving husband. The man who was her abuser runs away. As she leaves the past life body she is resentful.

 This was her past life and why is it that her perpetrator has come in the role of her husband? If so then why is he abusive? 

The ways of the soul are not that simple. Sarita died with resentment and she must teach her perpetrator a lesson. The perpetrator is also in agreement that he must experience the feeling of rejection and humiliation. So in this life Sarita married her perpetrator as the energy of abuse always brings together the victim with her abuser. They may marry but only till the energy of abuse gathers again and the perpetrator is humiliated. This is what happened.

Sarita after the session no longer felt like a victim. Sarita and her husband had a soul agreement in which her present husband had agreed to be humiliated and exposed not only by her but also by other women. He wanted to be divorced and dragged to court and openly to admit that he had abused her emotionally and mentally. He wanted to pay her a huge compensation and also give the custody of their son to her. Sarita could now see that she was free from her husband and from the energy of abuse. She found the heart to forgive her husband and move on without hate.

Today Sarita is stable, happy and free. She says if it was not for past life therapy she could have never known the karmic connection between her husband and her and not has the courage to forgive.

Next post you will read the amazing insight that Sarita’s husband had in his past life session. Love with Grace

Let God Speak

When I speak;

God speaks

through me;

Make me a divine tree

Make me a twig to think of thee

Make me a petal to caress and be

Make me a leaf that flutters and falls

Make me a grain that grows tall.

Make me a seed that stays still for long

When it sprouts its words just fall

Into silence; somber and soundless

Make me a quiet dropping dew

Make me a hushed cuckoo

Make me a wave bobbing up

Make me a blue smiling pup.

The voice less speaks in rhythmic rolls

The glitter of God beholds

Magic and glimmer and glow

Melting love in every soul

My purpose is Gods own

Speak through me

Words with wings afloat.

Words With Wings

“God is at home; it is we who have gone for a walk”

                                                            -Eckhart Tolle

I love romance. It’s a noun that has the fragrance of God . Man has been embodied with perfect precision and has been endowed with a machine called the body that cannot be ever duplicated as much as  scientists try. It is a miracle which cannot be dissected for the fragrance will disappear and you will be left with just bones. Man has been handed over the mind, an objectless phenomenon which speaks all the time. Sometimes it chatters without much thought and at times it becomes focused on a subject which it has caught fancy of. Every time it uses words… easily, effortlessly and efficiently. Man has been given this gift- words with wings.

 When the world was created out of the vibrations of a handful of heartbeats god decided to be its epicenter. Just like the eye of the cyclone he stayed unruffled. He wanted to have fun and enjoy and he invited man to become his beloved. He wanted to play and dance with him. God knew that to enthrall and entice he needed to be in everything - living and non living. He would give some of his creations a pulse while others would just stand still.

He decided to become still as the mountains and allow man to traverse him enjoying the massage as mans footsteps would step on it. God became a butterfly to entice man to wonder about its flutter, the rivers were flowing and god enjoyed being splashed around. God made flowers and allowed the beloved to soak in its fragrance and wind to whisper sweet nothings and the dewed blades of grass to kiss gently. In every grain, in every cloud, in every breath god wanted to feel with his beloved. Man was given the magic of words. God made him speak and sing. God said, “Beloved, sing and spread the joy of life. Dance like a dervish and exalt at all times. As you dance and swirl I too will do the same. As you will sing and celebrate I too will join you.

God made Man his sakha ( friend). God and Man hand in hand became soul mates. Wonderful words began to spring up from this love. These beautiful, gentle and loving words had wings. They would fly and flint and pour their love, melt their magic into everyone ‘s ears and the whispering would be taken by the breeze and given to the birds. The birds began their twittering at all times never resting as they spread the loving sounds to all.

Man was ego less. He was only in love with God. The singer was in the song and the painter in the painted. All his time would go in praising God. Every word was carefully chosen. All words began to flow and this fluid nature lead them to transform love to loving, care to caring and experience to experiencing. The world was getting to move. As this movement continued the smile spread to all. As god was mans beloved the words were given wings. Every moment that man spoke loving words flew all around. It was such a delightful sight.  Mans fancy and fondness grew for god. For many centuries this was created but one fine day mans curiosity in his creator stopped.

The relationship was revisited. Man felt he had no use of his beloved. He stopped having faith in the power of One. He wanted to step out of the Oneness and explore duality. He became separate from God. He moved out of his divine light and began to walk towards the extremes that he had not known of. He decided that he was the doer and not the devotee. He began to create a world where faith and prayer had no place. They were just too boring. He knew enough and now he could discard God. He felt Godly himself. What use did he have of another God. He didn’t like competition.  He was filled with self –love and self praise was his meat. He had developed ego, firm and solid. He stopped being a devotee. He became filled with pride and decided that there was no need to appease God. Who was he? He was not his beloved. He was not there to enjoy with. There were so many colorful things that he had created with whom he could enjoy now. So, Man changed tracks. He started walking away from God. He took a bottle in his right hand and a cigar in his left. He had a fancy bag slashed over his shoulder and a brown bowlers hat. On his arm hung a lassie and his face was scarred by greed. He stopped using wonderful pleasant words. His mouth was upturned and vile. God moved away. He hid where no one could find him. He hid in the man’s heart. Man forgot about his birth. He had abandoned his heartbeat. He had severed ties with his universal self.

 Words were revisited. All that man spoke was given a new meaning. He was more selfish and demanding. Beloved changed to be loved, care turned to race and heart to earth. The song was fading and the strings had lost its twang.  The word eat in create was emerging stronger and magic had become gimmick.  The love in evolve was separating, vanishing and soul had added a y to become lousy. Spirit had another meaning and priest contained strip. Words were having their wings clipped. Are we going to allow this to continue? Is the gift of words bestowed by god wasting away? All of us need to wake up, awaken into the light of wisdom. We must speak from the heart… which is has an art. We must recognize that Jesus has us at the end in his heart and Mahavira has Rahim hidden as you rip it apart. We need to cow rage and emerge and merge with the germ of infinite and again become Gods beloved.

 Words have the power to make us disappear into its beauty and become God.

It’s time we began to use words with angel wings. Allow them to fall in every ear speaking the divine word of love. Let us become celestial in our choice of words. Let our words glow in the darkness to show light to those in shackles, let our words flicker its brightness to spread joy and sparkle a smile on every tired face. Turn now to your friend, partner or child sitting near you and send words with angel wings. See their faces light up. This is your reward and you are in this moment the beloved of god!  

Pedophobia- Fear of Dolls

Rakhi Bose a young 30 year old Bangalore resident relived a life she had never dreamt, read or known about in this life. Rakhi was someone whom I had decided to call in our last season but somehow it was not meant to be and this time around she was first on our list. So don’t despair if in spite of sending your mail you haven’t got a call. If your problem strikes a chord in my heart you will be on our Samyrath.

Rakhi’s fear of dolls began since she was a toddler. Her mother got her a doll as her first gift as most mothers would. Her mother remembers that Rakhi would cry and wail every time the doll was brought close to her. Initially the family did not realize the reason for her discomfort but as they kept noticing the situation when her crying occurred they zeroed it down to the doll. Her brother whenever wanted something from her would get the doll out and Rakhi would plead to him, ‘Take it away.’ This struck me as unique. Her best friend who accompanied her on the show never bought a doll for her daughter to honor her friends fear as Rakhi had said that she will not visit her again.Rakhi has never touched a doll in her life.

The object related fear is special. The object is harmless and inanimate but the thought, vision and sudden appearance of it will evoke a fierce reaction. This reaction could be emotional leading to the subject crying and feeling sadness; it could be kinesthetic whereby there is a pain, ache, motor movement or flailing of hands like in Aryans episode. Sometimes the fear enters the person’s dream world and in Rakhis case she would see heads of dolls flying in the sky. The fear was active in the physical reality and in her altered reality state too.  The object obviously contains a story which the conscious mind has no way of knowing. In Rakhi’s case she had no way of knowing where this fear comes from. This lack of knowing magnifies the fear. This happened to Rakhi for the last many years and so the fear was visible on the surface.  The mention of the word doll would get her into frenzy. I decided she was a good subject. What is within is on the surface… this is the irony of fear.

Rakhi’s first image was of cracked earth and dark feet. The woman she identified with had white hair and wrinkled skin. She was able to feel that there was no wind and the place was hot. She was lying in an AC set where the therapist was feeling cold but just a foot away Rakhi was feeling hot. This is the magic that the mind holds.

She began the session when she sees herself older and so it is important to retrace her life to when she was younger to know about the details of that life. When she is taken back to when she was 10 years old she sees herself wearing a long black dress with white ribbons. The year that came up for her initially was 1253 which later got adjusted to 1853. This does happen as I ask the person the digits of the year at various times till it becomes steady. Rakhi could also feel her body contour as being under developed maybe under nourished. Consciousness can know the shape, size and health of the body.

She identified the place by reading the name in Hindi a language that she is not very familiar with. Madhavpur is the name that she has never known about. She has never visited this place which is today known by the name Savai Madhopur. A river flows there which is also a feature that she had no idea about. The arid dry terrain came up very clearly for her. The early death of her parents forced her to live with a man who was much older to her. He gave her shelter but also exploited her. She was unable to break away from his clutches and had many children. The physical torture was experienced by her and as she moved ahead saw her many children playing outside the hut. She then begins to experience childbirth and sees that her old husband is sacrificing the infant who looks like a doll to mother earth. This is a ritual done by a certain community in India to please the rain gods.

 This is an experience which Rakhi saw and experienced so vividly that she was moved by it to tears.

The closure for such a powerful session is very important. Her inability to have a good marriage today has leaded her to a divorce. Children are not part of her life at this moment. For such a person to experience a past life is not enough but forgiveness is primary to never let this happen again. She was taken to a heavenly space where she met all her children who had allowed them to be sacrificed. She asked for forgiveness for her helplessness and promised to never again allow anyone to oppress her. She will take charge of her life and allow a child to come in this world to nurture and care for her.

After the session we decided to get a doll on the sets to see the reduction of the intensity of fear. It took her by surprise but slowly with love and therapeutic skills she was able to hold the doll and carry it with her home.

Rakhi Bose was a wonderful subject who surrendered herself to the therapy.  I feel very grateful for her presence on the show. As you read this I am sure you must be thinking of how consciousness holds the awesome in its grip.  All of you must undergo a past life session to unravel the mystery that is YOU.

Letting Go.....to Life

Are you ready to let go? Let go of the mind set which has given you pain and suffering, your opinions which are stale and manner which is full of pretense. When I hear people saying, “I never lie, there isn’t a bigger liar than you, beware of what you say! It may just give you away.

Do you have the courage of speaking the truth? Thinking truthfully and fruitfully helps to overcome any fear. Most people lie and cheat because they are so filled up with denial.  Children say, “I love my mother and subliminally they are cursing her.” The boss says, “My employers love me, they speak so highly of me.” Why can t he just own up to his unpopularity? The wife says, “My husband is at home and we are going to spend time together.” Of course she hasn’t said that he has been sleeping the whole day. White lies all of them! Just to hide behind them and pretend you are better. For how long is this sham going to last? Not too long !!  

Truth seems to have become an expensive virtue. All around me I keep seeing that people are unable to own up to what they want. My husband has an affair and I just say, “But he loves me... he only slipped.” The growing number of estranged women who come for psychotherapeutic help is rising. Out of ten women who come to seek professional advice 3 of them need guidance for their parenting,  but the rest 7 are unhappy with their life, bored and lost. This is a large percentage and do you know where they seek solace? You have it right, on the internet. The net bug has ruined so many homes and this time around, it is the women who want excitement, titillation and sexcitement.

All of them do not blame their husbands for this fixation. They may complain of inattention but when asked to explain, they come up with hollow reasons. Most of them do not want to leave their nest and hide it from their spouse. They say their husbands are encouraging them to be independent and modern and also brag about their wife being active on face book. This FB.COM wife is slowly building a virtual world of which the husband knows nothing. This is where trust is broken and truth ends.

Recently Laila  ( name changed) came to see me. She had digressed on FB and for the last nine months had been chatting with a friend of her husbands’. This FB male friend had been having trouble with his wife. He wanted a shoulder to cry on and off load his pain. Laila felt she was equipped to help and would talk to him for hours and chat with him giving him some tips to keep the marriage together. She started talking to him when her husband was not at home, texting him with help aids but all the time never told her husband about this new developing friendship. This would have gone on forever until possibly both of them either would have got bored or moved on into a full blown affair. But generally I find that these travails are nipped in the bud because they are discovered by the spouse. Laila’s husband found her chat transcripts for the cheater always leaves clues. It is a way of being found out as the guilt is increasing and God helps by getting the cheat to make a mistake. In this case the computer was not logged out from and Laila was nailed. She said it was nothing and her husband was making a big deal out of her friendship. She had not even slept with the man. So what was the big hullahoop she could not understand. The husband felt cheated but was made to feel that he had done a grave injustice by exposing her lie. The lie wasn’t a lie …. It was the truth.

Samaira a forty year old was in a happy marriage. Her long desire of having a happy family was at last fulfilled. She had two beautiful sons and a doting successful husband. She had just bought a house and her work was going great. There was nothing to complain and this sometimes gets you into a slumber. She may have felt too stable and secure. She had a life anyone would die for but then that’s when some women feel suffocated. The pace of life must be hastened. It must be revisited so that there can be a revival of exhilaration. Samaira needed to feel restless and tension. She wanted the thrill of a lie to be experienced. The stimulus had to be forbidden for it to create a rush of serotonin. More the deceiving continued, more the thrill and more serotonin. This made her feel euphoric. Her mind was spinning and her senses alert. There was something raising the pleasure index as she hid, lied and covered her tracks. Her unsuspecting husband got a rude shock when he too chanced upon her unlogged face book account. Like I said a liar always leaves clues. A liar can never be smart. Such women are not cunning or sly they are just drowned in their pleasure. They love their husbands and never want the marriage to break but their need to please themselves has got them entrapped.

Samaira said sorry to her husband and she was forgiven. In this case the husband arrived for psychotherapy for he was feeling like a victim but said that his wife made him out to be the perpetrator. He was blamed for making her stray. He could not understand whether he should be sorry or say sorry.

Both the above marriages are still functional. They are not going to break. They are going to survive. I marvel at them, for the partners have cultivated the amazing quality of letting go.

Amidst all the snooping and smacking there is something that is growing.. an ability to let go. Laila has let go of her chat room and found happiness in pursuing her fashion business while Samaira has evaluated her life on the scale of her past debacles and sorted herself to see what her husband has given her. Both these women have stepped back and seen their mistakes. They have felt ashamed but have not had the courage to say it openly. They have made amends but not wanting to speak of the slips. In such a situation, the aggrieved spouse must let go. Let go of the constant ridicule and shouting . Let go of the blaming- shaming gamble for it never pays. Allow your wife to express herself without sitting in judgment. This may sound difficult but it is not. Your wife is your love. Just an aberration cannot make it go away. Remember it could have been you!!!

A relationship can survive and mend itself if the couple does not dissect it. Dissection is done for postmortem of the dead. If you want your relationship to survive just let go of the intense desire to analyze. The more you analyze the more skeletons will tumble. This will lead to heartburn and distrust. You will wonder at the choice of your spouse and the wonderful time you spent as a lie. This may not have been true. A short excursion must not be looked as your spouse’s future wish.

Couples will always wipe out all the wonderful years spent together as if they never happened. They only remember and mess around with the little distraction. Let go of this incessant need to dissect every detail of this deviation. This does not amount to forgetting or forgiving but just letting go of the obsessive behavior that will get you nowhere… but to hell.

Letting go is wonderful. It is a way of becoming resilient. It’s a way of gently bending, allowing yourself to veer through the thoughts and feelings without trying to will change but letting change happen. To will is being in control of something that you can’t let go. Will means repression and stacking things deep means hiding them. Thinking  that they don’t exist. This is a lie.  If you just let go there is no one you have to answer and no answer to be got. It’s so relieving, so accepting and completely freeing.

The only way to knowing yourself at a deeper more human level is to let go. Just as the birds allow their fledgling to fly , the autumn leaf skips off the branch uninhibitedly and the rivulet curves to form a new course people we love meander away; its natural; it’s real. Holding on, clinging on to an error is insane. How many times have you caught yourself saying, “My partner has changed. My partner is not the same.” Remember this is natural. It’s wonderful!! Change is the only thing that is constant. Let’s celebrate the change. Let’s transform ourselves when this change is witnessed. It’s time to flower and seed ourselves. It’s time to recall a dance of life.  It’s time to dance and sing just let go! Allow the truth to surface….

               

What we seek; seeks us back.

“The ideal of every human being is to be good, to be happy and to find God”

                            -Sri Sri Paramahansa Yogananda

Last week I was invited at a city college to take a workshop on S.O.S Janata, in Chaupal a BMM fest and the topic was Environment. The purpose was to sensitize the students on the need to become aware of how we can make a difference towards a cleaner, greener world. Being the member of the Panchmama Alliance which works towards the environmental cause of awakening the dreamer from its slumber of consumerlepsy, I had pledged to take this cause forward to the youth.

I began the workshop with asking the students where they were in their life and what is it that they want today. The first group composed of all young boys replied in unison, ‘Girls’. The other said Money while the third echoed Career. The honesty was exciting and they were happy that they knew where they were going. I then asked them, “what will you want when you are fifty?’ The group chatted and their faces turned serious and the answers were; Peace; happiness and Love. They looked at each other and were surprised that their present goals did not include the latter needs. Obviously they had not thought about it till someone had pushed them to. Are we too naïve to believe that money, work and women will satisfy us. We need to think carefully about what we seek!

There is so much in this world that seeks us out. The neon signs boards attract us to reach out and buy the products it lights, the malls with its windows dressed up with Christmas trees enchants our eyes and the radio blasts with discounts galore. Our senses are so entwined in the rope of consumerlepsy that we are unable to untie it. As we get encircled by the glow we believe that it is what we seek. As our night sleep is disturbed by our addictive habits and our day brims with burgers and cola, we are tied up in the uprising of our shadow self. It is taking us into a quagmire of betrayal of the seeker. Is the seeking a reflection of the seeker. As the young students realized it what they thought they were seeking was just too superficial and momentary but what they would seek was long lasting and meaningful. It’s time that we understood that what we seek, seeks us back.  The student seeking friends gets to make some, the clerk seeking a raise works hard to get some while the boss whose wife is bored gets her wrath to change his ways. Most of the time we don’t know what is our seeking.  

As a sixteen year old friends and fantasy trails abound and everything around takes a pink tinge. What elders are saying, what teachers are trumpeting seems so redundant. Teenagers wonder, “What’s their problem? Why are they on our case?” Parents seek some respect but they are so confused and angry with the situation that they think, “Why can’t the kids just listen.” Demands on both sides seem never ending but no one seems to just sit down and think seriously about how this situation can get better.

I may not have all the answers but I write through my experience of being a parent who has made mistakes and have been helped by my personal experience as a psychotherapist and now as a spiritual seeker. Some of the answers came to me through books, some through mistakes but most of them just came; I just allowed them to come from my heart. I said, ‘I love my daughter… what I do out of love must be wonderful and right. So let me.”

 As I listened to my inner intuition and followed the magic words that emerged, over the years I have become finer tuned to her needs and mine too. I knew that today she is after her fantasy; she is not going to listen, for her experience is limited. Spirituality and the jewels it brings to me are not being taught to her but am I just going to wait for her to turn fifty before she realizes the real worth of seeking. So I decided to teach her without books, speak to her without expectation and be with her in her moods. Not to spout moral dictums or paraphrase her words so that I feel better. Not ask her to chant mantras nor show her what is right. Not compare her to my neighbor’s perfect child nor coax her for better marks. Her dressing style was hers and her uncombed hair her style statement. I knew all this would transform in time. I was not going to hurry time for I would be a fool to think I could. I decided to formulate my ten rules to becoming a spiritual parent. I wish to share them with you.

v  Stop Parroting Ignorant Repeats Incessantly, Turn Up Around and Let Go.

Most of the times when I wanted her to do something I would go on and on and on. I was not aware that I was going insane repeating the same statement over and over again. I was so engrossed in my need to getting her to listen to what I thought was right that everything was going wrong. Even if my daughter indicated to me that I was repeating the same stuff, I would be angry. One day I caught myself... heard myself... gosh!!! I was aghast. I sounded so stupid. I asked myself, “Am I stupid?” No, came the reply. 

I decided that when I am upset I am going to get up, turn and leave. I am going to let the matter be and let it solve on its own. In a few weeks as I persisted my daughter used to return to speak more and ask me for my advice. She also started following it. I continued to remain calm and turn up, around and leave and found that I was becoming calmer and my mind was peaceful. She too was happier.

We had found our happiness mean. I have to keep catching myself even now after all this time but then I enjoy the growth in my spiritual being which is learning to witness. I love this exercise now and thank my child for leading me to this progressive path of prayer.

v  Give up and get on with your work.

Have you stopped living your dream? Have you dedicated yourself to the home maker role to the exclusion of your personal wishes and dreams? Wake up! Awaken the passion which seems to be lying dormant. Look around and find the doorway which is going to take you towards your own fulfillment.

All of us have many roles to play- father, mother, husband, wife, grandfather, niece and neighbor. All these roles slot you in a stereotyped existence. Our conditioning preempts our behavior. It’s time we consider a role which is more personal and meaningful- to ourselves… to us, to me. It’s time to get to know oneself intimately. Get up and get on with it. I assure you when your child is older he or she will thank you for it. 

v  Meddle less and match more.

All teenagers at some time or the other have said, “Leave my things alone; just let it be; I‘ll do it later; you will never understand; it’s time to match steps with them than meddle with them. Decades have gone by and we have grown years since we attended school and college. A lot has changed in the world externally and children are reacting to this change. In time they will know what they seek is only the tip of the iceberg called life… what is more consequential lies beneath; and they will uncover it… time will do it for them… we need to just be present.  We need to be in the now with them. When they are upset, be there. Don’t give advice or get into a moralizing standpoint. Match more to their feelings and they will begin to share. Have you seen a young child riding his fantasy as he rushes with a toy plane and flies it running in circles? You are trying to feed him but he is oblivious to it. You keep calling him, raising your voice and getting irritated but nothing works. At last you lose patience and pull him thrusting a morsel in his mouth which he promptly spits.  You were meddling with his act; what you could have done is sat in his fantasy flight and enjoyed with him and then fed him the morsel. This is what is spiritual matching. Buddha said sit and you will awaken.

v  Let’s take your way:

Teen age is when hormones speak and dance. They dance with joy and run with abandon.  Parents have finished with their chemical confusion. They are more stable and in some ways have become boring. Why not follow their way. The way of exploration. Shopping with a teen is strenuous. Either they want what you detest or disapprove, or they want what their friends want or they want what was shown on television or they are just confused. After much argument they buy only to be discarded after a week when the fashion changes. So a budget is important. Let them know the amount you can keep aside for the shopping and don’t alter it. Remember guilt has no place here. You must take their way- be firm and direct.

v  Fix up the house with smart talk.

I remember the days when my daughter had begun to read. I decided that instead of me telling her what to do I would put up messages for her around the house. So on the fridge came up – Be Good; on the door – let in love; On the window- drink and win and on the bed – sleep soon.  Every week messages were changed and many rules were learnt in a fun manner. Your teeth are bright, smile was on the bath mirror and on her plate I had painted- Wow! You eat all. The appropriate behavior was set early by reading right. So fix up your home with messages that empower.

As a teenager I continued to paste thoughts of the day. I didn’t ask her to read it, she just read it.

v  Allow the messiness to stay.

Let the room be untidy, the desk messy, the books spread out and the computer dusty. Put a message everyday on the wall soft board – I want to clean my room, I have my books in order etc. When the messages are put in the first person, unknowingly the person begins to view them and a time comes when acts on them. It takes time but have patience. As the mind gets organized within the world outside will become in order.

v  Less choice

As a parent we feel we must give the child many choices so that he can be helped more. This I have found does not work. The child is looking at you for guidance. The choices that you have gathered, actually you don’t know much about them. No research has gone into it. This leaves you equally frustrated.  Instead of saying, “What will you eat? The question, “This is made for dinner, come and eat it” helps especially when the child is younger. Later choices can be given as the child matures. Do you remember how your child began to eat junk food? Not in the first few years but later. Why and how did this happen? Was it because you were out dinning with friends or at a birthday party or maybe out of social pressure or peer pressure? Less choice helps is keeping good health. In my home only a simple meal is cooked. Everyone eats the same meal. There is no special dish made for anyone. We eat every vegetable and pulses. No tantrums are entertained. This has led to our meals becoming hassle free and healthy.  

v  Budgeting the wallet

The world is full of distractions. There is a lot that you can buy for your child and overlook the budget. I completely believe in the proverbial statement, spread your legs as the size of your blanket. This is something that must be inculcated from a young age. A few years ago my nephew had arrived on a visit from Canada. He was about seven years old. One day I took him to a book store and told him that my budget for his book was 200 rupees. I told him to look around and buy which ever book he liked. His hyperactive limbs ran around and he zipped past the bookshelves faster than my eyes could move. He looked at me and then said, “Well, suppose if the book costs more than your budget then?” “Well”, I said to him, “If you can read the book I will buy it for you.” He quickly picked up a Harry Potter book and started reading it. I bought it for him. When children are able to convince us that the stuff is worth his attention budgets can always be altered.  

v  Encourage abilities:

Monday to Sunday the children are running from one extra class to the other. Are they learning anything or is it all a sham. This has to stop for it places undue pressure on the child. There is comparison and competition where there is no need.  He is watched in school, on the sports ground and in the pool.  The child is under scrutiny for what he does and says. Every child comes with a special gift. This gift or talent is to be nurtured. By the time t he child is three his ability generally is visible. Either he speaks well, loves to paint, dance, run, break toys or cycle. Observe what he likes doing. Slowly play with him as you are the most important person in his life. If you cycle with him he will too. If you swim he will too, if you paint and enjoy he will enjoy and slowly when the time comes he can be trained in one or two skills which he enjoys. Encourage don’t try and look for his entertainment. Children don’t need to be placed in classes to be entertained.

v  Remember the teen age.

This age is precious and precocious.  At this age they Try Each and Every Nut. Ever thing is to be tried and tested.  Every nut seems to fit into their bolt. They don’t want to discard anything. Don’t create fear for this will disturb them as it will create all kinds of negative ideas about the world in which they live. Articles and books should be left at their bedside to read. Discussions in the house should be on various topics. News is a must watch as it helps them to know more about journalism and the power of the media. Watch other shows with them too. Keep abreast with what is going on in their world. Don’t step in as that is prohibited. Don’t try and ask your child to accept you as a friend in your FB account. They don’t like it. There is nothing different about your little princess…. She has just grown older. In time things will change.

Accept that things were not the same and they are not going to remain the same, they are going to change and very soon you will wonder when the princess grew up.

With patience you will realize that what we seek, seeks us back…. with interest.