Happiness comes from within

What is happiness? What is this within that is referred to?   Why is happiness like an eel which seems to slip away from the rich and poor, kind and commoner, president and pedestrian? Why it is that no one on the face of earth is happy? Most people say that before the age of five, children are happy, but I beg to differ. I have seen enough children below the age of five having nightmares, obsessions and fears. A young child of three once asked me, “why do my parents fight and scream at each other, why can’t they be friends?’ Her innocent eyes brimmed with tears and she was distraught with fright.  Her parents in their fights figured to the word divorce and she had never heard of it before. The next day in her kindergarten class her teacher asked D for and she said Divorce. Her teacher looked at her shocked and said, “No, child, this is not a good word… say D for Dog.”  In the growing confusion of the adult world our sweet innocent children are losing their childhood. Do we care??

Every time I ask a parent; what do you want your child to be when she grows up… pat comes the reply, “Happy!!”  And I stare at them and nonchalantly answer, “Gosh! What a lie!” They look back open mouthed. I continue saying that if that was so, how come they have been spanking the child, calling her stupid and dull, not speaking to her calmly and they reply, “Well, it’s all for her own good!’ I am amazed how hitting or calling people names can do them any good. It definitely can’t make them happy.

Adults want to turn children either into their fathers who would look after them or mothers who will nurture them and give them what they want. They see what they want for themselves growing up. Their unmet ambitions and goals are thrust on the young shoulders. Why do we forget that a child comes with some unmet desires and wishes and chooses you to transform her into an epitome of love and peace? She may try your patience but only to teach you self control and acceptance. As adults we too are children with unmet needs and so this turmoil. I just saw on CNN the tragedy of a 12 year old boy shooting his parents, the drug charges on actor Charlie Sheen… close to home the triple suicide by a chartered accountant Nidhi who pushed her three and six year old children off the terrace and then embraced death jumping from the 19^th floor of her building in Malad.  There is a serious and grave situation waiting for us to learn from. The muddle in our minds over our expectations and unrealistic desires of love and understanding from others has to stop. STOP! We must comprehend that no one, and I mean no one has the ability nor the capacity to give you love. STOP searching for love outside. It’s not available. It never was and it will never be. We have to look within. So now we come to understanding within.

Happiness is not because you have what you have or what you want or get rid of what you do not want. Happiness is not because you are rich or poor, with or without material things of life happiness is not in giving or in receiving. Happiness has nothing to do with a person or place or thing.  The wonderful part is that happiness is unrelated, unconnected independent of anything, any situation, any person; happiness is not a gift or lack of it... thank God for that! What a relief! Then what is happiness?

My father Manu made me understand this many years ago and it still holds good. He said and I quote from his writings, “Happiness is an absence of one self. When self is not, happiness is; because it is a substratum, an invisible, impalpable, ungraspable nothing. It is the foundation of all that created life. When the animal, vegetable, solar, astral, everything contained in the crucible  of space disappears then there is a house without a householder, happiness without anyone or anybody to experience it. Happiness is when the bubble of within with its ignorant ego, bursts merges with the without the last illusion of self is broken forever and what remains is nothing but space without all created life contained in it, happiness is living. “

Space is where happiness is- open, infinite and inestimable. There is no more coming and going, wanting and not wanting, being and not being. Can we experience this while we live so that in death we can embrace our essence which is about to extinguish? Yes … meditation is the answer. Meditate …. And you will experience an ion of yourself … happy just vanishing.

Happiness is experienced many times in a lifetime but we are unable to grasp it. Man has become so used to securing everything, keeping it nearby, obsessing about it and locking it. Everything Man considers important has a safety lock around it. Happiness too must suffer the same fate if Man has to have it. But Alas! That’s not going to happen. If Man was to understand that happiness is not something or somebody but a invisible yet palpable feeling that is within he will stop looking for it outside. He will know that no one can steal it nor does it have to be secured. Man must stop looking for it … for it is not lost.

You are a happy being and will always be. Once you know this you will learn to BE.

The Dying Moment- The Sat ( Truth)

Have you seen ‘Satyakam’ a 1970 movie with Dharmendra and Sharmila Tagore? A wonderful Hrishikesh Mukherjee movie with smiles and tears which leave you feeling so tranquil and calm. The death of Satya today made me feel like that. Let me share my few encounters with him. I call them encounters because they did not have the coldness of a therapeutic relationship between a client and therapist. He struck me as being unapologetic about his anger that he had stored with his disenchanted childhood. He was maybe 45 but had the brashness and uninhibitedness of a child at age 4. Maybe this is what made me feel protective and concerned. This is when I allowed myself to embody his mother as I knew that unless he made peace with her he would not be rested. My sessions with him were a learning experience for me and so I wish to share them with you all. I know he would have approved of it for he didn’t care what others thought of him. He was obsessed with his desires and he had many. He lived all of them, I hope.

When I saw him the first time at my clinic he walked in with a walker. He had been a homeopath and was dead against modern medicine. He was so enraged by it that no medical intervention was allowed in his house. His belief in alternative healing was unshakable. It was easier to move a mountain but not Satya. He had developed a sarcoma in his left calf muscle which had been growing rapidly. He knew it was malignant. He had been experiencing nausea and vomiting for some time and this was due to a stomach tumor which he had diagnosed intuitively. He was determined to work with it and this prompted him to come for his regression therapy. He felt that he had issues which needed to be resolved if he had to move on. Deep down he knew that if he had to pass over, he didn’t want to with these carcinogenic issues.

His first session was focused on his deep anger and resentment towards his mother. He loved her but could not nurture her. He cared for her but could not care for her. He saw her strength and appreciated it but felt helpless for not standing by her. He saw his mother ridiculed and humiliated by her relatives and he would feel the fury engulf him, but as a young 4 year old he was helpless. His facial muscles would clench, his hands would involuntarily curl into a fistful of rage and his insides would spasm pouring out bile. His annoyance and antagonism was being swallowed every moment into his infant mind and there was no way to let it out but to rebel with the system. This he did well. He became very adept at it. He became a charmer, so women of all ages would shower him with attention. But the love was not enough and so more wonderful women came and went giving him love while he broke their hearts. Every woman for him mirrored the love of his mother. They all felt they wanted to protect him and take care of him. He in return ran away from commitment.

 Men too, got attracted to him because of his daredevil attitude and as his friends were chatting about him I could see how much they loved him… how much!!! It was overflowing as I travelled in the car with them to see Satya.

During the first session an age regression was done. He went back to when he was 4 years old and saw himself stand in a corner looking at his uncle berating his mother. He was able to feel his muscles spasm and hurt. He recognized the ferocity with which the anger was rising and turning toxic. His stomach was churning and as I allowed him to feel the rise of the emotion he started getting pain. The pain was localizing itself to his stomach and lower limbs. He said, “I want to run, but I can’t.” His calf muscles and feet were hurting and he was unable to place them straight. As the session proceeded and he was encouraged to feel each and every twitch in his muscles he started to relax. Slowly he was led to the womb where he could feel the love of his mother. The womb felt warm and cozy. He did pick up the conflict and unrest going on in his mothers mind but he felt welcomed. This was the first breakthrough in a long time where he was able to feel his mother’s love. During this time, I was able to see his mother emerge in my mind. She was crying and as if she was me at that moment I had tears flowing out of my eyes for a very long time. He was looking at me as if he was seeing his mother cry. In that eternal divine moment we connected. He spoke about how much he loved her and how sorry he was for what transpired between them over the years. He freed her at that moment forever.

The next session was due soon. I knew that he had to still work on the anger and resentment that was curled up in his fist against his uncle. Sometimes when the person has high intensity of vehemence they are also fearful of it. This makes them tense, anxious and nervous about what will emerge. This is not a good indication for past life therapy. With Satya, I realized this and so decided to start with the rebirthing breath. The four short one long rhythm went along well and Satya was able to relax faster and move into a deep trance state.  This is when the past life imagery opened up and he saw him in a uniform of a policeman. The helmet revealed that he was in old England and he had a rifle in his hand. The rifle had a bayonet and it was being held over an old man. The eyes of the man revealed that his uncle was pleading with him not to hurt him. The policeman was unable to control his rage and plunged the bayonet into the stomach of the old man. The man kept pleading but to no avail. The old man’s body was lying and the policeman walks away. This was a defining moment of that life which created karmic debt with his uncle. In this life he had decided to repay that debt. After this session his nausea and vomiting vanished and never returned till he passed away. He seemed to have worked through with the anger towards his uncle in the session. He then felt much relaxed and decided to take some Ayurvedic treatment.

He contacted me again in January saying that the Ayurvedic treatment was working and his leg tumor had begun to spew out discharge. This according to the doctors was a positive sign. His orthopedic surgeon though was of the opinion that he should amputate his leg but Satya was not going to listen to it. He was against surgery and wanted to heal it through alternative means only. Someone would call his faith foolish but if you look deeper you will see that his only desire was to Passover without hate and anger towards his situation in childhood which never left him. He was not as concerned about life as he was about dying with negativity.

I could not travel to see him earlier due to work and his messages indicated that he wanted to share something with me. I knew that I would meet him soon and when his friends told me that they were going to see him, I decided to take the nine hour drive to Dharwad to see him. I wanted him to pass over peacefully. He had to offload his baggage and then depart.

When I saw him, he was disoriented and confused. This was similar to someone moving in and out of one’s physical body. The tumor had occupied most of his muscle mass in his leg and there was a rancid odor in the entire room. He looked at his friends and was happy to see them. I sat with him and he said that the one thing that was disturbing him was why this has happened and how is it going to heal. Somewhere he was talking about healing his soul rather than his body. I could feel that he was attached to the pain and this will have to be relieved if he had to depart peacefully or recover. I decided that I had to work with the remaining residue of rage within him. I devised a bardo technique which was different than the general ones. It had to be done gently and metaphorically rather than obviously. He was not ready to hear the word death but I knew if he let go of the desire to hurt he would accept death willingly.

I used symbols to convey the whole of existence and him as being a small light form floating in the cosmic space. There were many pebbles placed around in this space on which were written many anger related words like rage, resentment, disappointment, disapproval, dissatisfaction, hurt, guilt, rejection, bitterness, suffering, dislike and then asked him to throw them one by one into a magical pond of water. He was asked to visualize as every pebble hit the surface of water and watch as it sunk to the bottom. As he watched every one of them he started getting pain rising from his chest and abdominal region. He kept feeling his naval and the pain continued to rise as the visualization became more intense. It seemed as if the region of the naval had held the anger against his mother. I moved forward to asking his mother to come forward and pick up all the pebbles and each pebble turned to light radiating around them .The mother appeared and he could feel her taking him to a radiant light. He felt he was dissolving in it and he felt lighter and lighter in that experience. As the guidance continued his pain decreased till it was gone. After the session was over he opened his eyes which had turned brighter and he smiled. When I asked him about the pebbles he said, “I saw that the words written were turning to love. My mother was beautiful and I have freed myself from my anger for her. I feel I don’t need any reason to be sick any longer.” I didn’t know what he meant was – I don’t need a reason to be in this body, for this is sick not me. I am so grateful that he decided to leave , depart with love… he has blessed himself to chose a body which will be free of disease and  disorder.

His friends sat together that day and remembered their beloved rascal. God bless him with divine grace. 

Retire your blues!

Many years ago there was a man who was about to retire from active work. He was looking forward to it as there were many hobbies he had cultivated and was keen to pursue them. As the months passed by his enthusiasm grew. His wife was surprised. She discussed it with her friends, “I think my husband is going crazy. He seems to be showing mood swings. This is what doctors call retirement blues. I am concerned.’ Her friends gave her agreed and asked if he had been shown to a psychiatrist, sooner the better is what they recommended. The wife took this seriously. She spoke to her husband, “Don’t you think your behavior is erratic and you need help. You are going to retire and instead of feeling depressed you are euphoric.” The man looked perplexed “I am thrilled, at last I can get up late, eat when I want and laze around the house. I have decided to improve my culinary skills and feed you some lip smacking delicacies. I have decided to take tuitions of tenth grade children and make use of my degree in mathematics. What is your opinion on starting a home business of stock broking?” The man’s wife stared at her husband. She now knew that he was serious. The earth caved under her feet. Did she hear the words right? Her husband was going to be at home and alter her lifestyle. She must do something quickly. She called up her daughter. She didn’t know how she should broach the topic. Her daughter was very fond of her father and she knew getting support would be difficult. She needed to think something fast.

The woman had to distract her mind. She decided to attend her regular kitty party. She needed to get away from her chattering mind. She needed to relax. She had a leisurely bath and soaked her aging limbs in bath salts and dressed in her silk sari, applied a shade of pink on her lips and took her clutch bag and floated out of her front door. Her mood had settled. She saw that her car was not in the driveway. She enquired and was told that her husband had gone to meet his friends. She remembered that he was going to break the news to them about his retirement plans. She observed that there was some agitation. Well, she thought, I must stay calm. She noticed her fingers beginning to press the mobile numbers of her husband. She just stopped and forced her feet to move away. As her feet moved she noticed her thought shift. She hailed a rickshaw and began looking around so her mind would get distracted and move and fix on some other random thought. She tried but over and over, it seemed to now have a life of its own. The thought didn’t like being ignored. It was bouncing up and down. She so hoped it would bounce out, out of her mind but it just was not happening. The auto rickshaw went over a speed breaker and this helped to break the thought. What a respite! The woman was relieved. She began to look at her mobile. She began to stare at her mobile. She began to imagine that her mobile was ringing and a long conversation was ensuing. She was chattering and her mind was at rest. She decided she needs to call someone. She tried calling a friend but her phone was busy. She knew that the disturbing thought was creeping itself in. she must act; do something for it to stop. She started to speak on the phone. Pretense helps. She pretended that there was her friend on the other side. What a relief!

The woman reached her venue for the kitty party. It was her friend Radha’s house. She was very fond of her kitty party friends. All of them had been together for a long time and shared much. As she climbed the stairs she was feeling flighty and happy. She entered to a loud welcome. “We were waiting for you for the housie.” They said in unison. She felt good. She volunteered to be the referee reading out the numbers. Her friends were surprised. They knew how much she disliked doing this. None of them asked her why? They too disliked it as much as her. The woman knew that for the nest hour her mind would be occupied and she would be at peace. She was relieved!

By the end of the housie hour the woman was much at rest. She had kept her mobile on silent so she would not be disturbed. She felt herself laughing at some inane one liner. She saw that one of her friend was teary eyed. She moved towards her. She took her friend aside and asked her if anything was wrong. Her friend held her hands and said that her life was falling apart. She was beginning to become more irritated and angry as the days were progressing. The woman was surprised. Her friend was always so calm in the most trying of times. The friend proceeded to tell her about her husband. He had lost his job and was at home. Her quiet life had been shaken up. Her husband had begun to become demanding and interfering. He wanted his food at a specific time and this had also got the cook irritated. Her husband was all over the house. The newspaper was ruffled and strewn all over the house. His umpteen cups of tea had lined the kitchen sink and the television remote had been conquered. She was a guest in the house. If she needed to go out she had to ask him, if she had to watch her favorite soap she had to ask him, if she needed to sleep in the afternoon, she had to ask him. She was constantly feeling stressed out. Her life was owned by him. A doomed sensation was spreading over her body. Her limbs were feeling weak and her heart was thudding so fast. Her eyes were getting blurred and there was darkness spilling over in front. She was not even listening any longer to her friend. She had to get away. She patted her friend’s hand, mumbling something and excused herself. She had to leave before some more was heard. She smiled and shook hands with the host and left. Her limbs felt weak. She had her heels crumble under the pressure of her mind. She got out and felt the sun sharply in her eyes. Taking out her glares she braced herself. She had to speak to someone. Her auto rickshaw stopped near the traffic signal. She decided to walk the kilometer long stretch for her mind to become calm. She started walking slowly and suddenly realized that the road was being dug up. The garbage dump was over flowing and the stench was nauseating. Her heels could not carry her forward. She was sweating profusely. Her ankles were swollen. She just had to reach home. She stubbornly took her sandals off and walked the entire stretch barefoot. She could feel her body shaking. Her hands were trembling. She somehow reached home and washed her legs with warm water. She sat down and stared at her legs. She had never walked barefoot in mid after ever. She had to get a grip on her situation now or it would be too later. She always prided herself as being in complete control of all situations and this was novel for her. She lay down on the wide angled sofa and closed her eyes. Today had been emotionally draining. As she closed her eyes, a starry vision came up. She realized that the beads of sweat had percolated down into the lashes. She wiped it and rested. Her mind had actually become blank. It seemed as if the warm sweat had erased her thoughts. Ah! Sweating never seemed useful until this moment. She felt sleepiness take over and she was relieved!

The sound of the doorbell struck her as knell. She startled and sat up. She looked at the clock which had also begun to chime six. My God! It was six already. She got up and sat straight. Her heart had suddenly revived and she had developed sharp hearing abilities. She could hear her husband’s voice booming in the corridor. He was asking for her. She was suddenly feeling little. Had her husband picked up her thoughts? Was he going to ask her for an explanation? She must brace herself. She picked up a magazine and pretended to surf through it. Her husband entered and gave her a peck on her cheeks. She was taken aback. He had never done this for a long time. As she looked up he was smiling. His face was looking younger and brighter. Had he started drinking in the afternoon? Her husband sat next to her. This was also a new behavior. He took her hand in his and gently rubbed it. She was puzzled. She sniffed under his breath. What! Her husband said, “Do you think I am drunk?” She lowered her lashes,”Are you?” She was relieved that she was able to speak. Her husband laughed, he knew is wife well. He took out two airline tickets and placed them in her hand. We are going for our honeymoon. This time to Rome and Italy. After that to the US to meet your sister. I want to fill your life with happiness and spend some good time with you. I have worked hard so that we can enjoy our latter years comfortably. The woman was stunned. She had not expected this. She looked at him again. He winked, ‘I am not drunk dear, just beginning to live.” He got up and took his newspaper and folded it. He kept it neatly under the center table and picked up the ashtray and put it in the drawer. He declared that he would never need it as he had given up smoking. He did not want her to suffer second hand smoking. He was going to the gym which he had enrolled for today. He whispered in her ears, ‘You will have no complains when I retire, I know this had you worried.”

The woman was speechless. She looked sheepishly at her husband. She picked up the phone and called her daughter. As she gave the news of their European trip, her daughter congratulated her for she loved the idea of a second honeymoon. “You deserve it Mum, I know how much you have done for Dad and its time he did all this for you.” Was she listening correctly? Her daughter praising her efforts? Her daughter went on, “You know Mum, Dad has been planning to give you a surprise for a long time and I am so happy that he has you by his side. You are going to be his perfect retirement partner. I love you. I have to rush to pick your granddaughter from her music class, so long.” The woman was feeling so light and happy. There was no stress in her body. The love she had just experienced from her husband and daughter was new and wonderful. All the years of insecurity and confusion just vanished. She got up and washed her face. She saw her husband dressing up for his gym. She had also been thinking of going to her gym to get her bones functioning well. She looked at her husband. He saw her glance and said, “Why don’t you too join the gym with me. It will be wonderful to get in shape before our trip. He winked mischievously. The woman smiled and nodded.

Both of them walked down the stairs together. They held hands as they walked out in the bright sunshine. They sat in the car and drove feeling the magic of togetherness. All the doubts disappeared and the woman was in seventh heaven. Her heart was skipping a beat and her mind relieved!          

 All you women retire your blues.

Thoughts that handcuff

Thoughts are like fireflies which flicker in the dark crevices of the mind and ignite the hidden unresolved traumas. In my profession I have encountered many odd cases where I have been stumped. This feeling of being stumped is incredibly engaging. It makes me think deeper, pray harder and meditate longer.

30 year old Gulgul was one such man. He was a struggling film maker and had stars in his eyes. He had come up the hard way but was still optimistic about his future. He had befriended many in the film industry but could never garner enough courage to ask for help. He obviously was not the typical manipulative one who was waiting to climb on another’s shoulder. His problem was unique and after seeing a psychiatrist he had begun to believe that he would never get released from it. He was on anti- anxiety medication for the last two years but that had not helped him at all. Let me tell you more about him

Gulgul was scared of drinking water. If someone offered him a glass of water he would be fearful of putting it to his lips as he thought he would die. During a hot summer day he would sweat but just the suggestion of drinking water would be unacceptable. He would bathe frequently but even that would be done covering his lips just in case water got into his mouth. Obviously this irrational thought was not shared with anyone for he thought people would laugh at him. He would be better if he drank aerated drinks but that was also taken sip by sip. He said to me that if he had a glass of aerated drinks the thought that he will die would not come frequently so it was better.

Gulgul was open to do past life therapy after I explained to him that we needed to get to the source of the problem and as in his present life there was no reason for this to arise we must probe deeper. He understood and we fixed a time for doing the session.

He was a good subject and went into trance quickly. He found himself in Jamshedpur a small city in the east of India famous for the Tata Iron and Steel Plant. The year was 1962 and he was 19 years old. His body was tall and wiry. He saw himself in his house which was made of bricks and had a flat roof. There was no habitation where he seemed to live. His mother was visible to him. She had worn a sari which was white and indicated that she was a widow. They were poor is what he knew from the surroundings. He did not attend school and was a wastrel. He didn’t do much to support the home. He had no friends as he didn’t feel the presence of anyone around. 

When the therapist finds that the subject does not have much happening as far as events in his life it is important to say, ‘Move to the next important incident.” This is done else his consciousness will move to the body consciousness and register some sensation and the trance state will break.

Gulgul was led to the next event and he saw himself walking towards a river. He first said water then he felt it was river flowing fast in places. As I allowed him to have some time to adjust to the appearance of water which was his problem and his panacea he relented.

The next scene which appeared was seeing him dipping his feet in water. This is when I asked him to feel the water intently.  He was feeling the coldness, the wave and rushing ripples and his skin tingling in the cold

 As he suggested to me that the water was rising to his knees I asked him whether he had let himself in the water. He replied in the affirmative.  I asked him the reason which had prompted him to enter the strong waters. His instant reply was, ‘I want to die, and I think I want to commit suicide.’ Later when he came out of the trance he was surprised to even think he had desired such a thing.

The water was rising and Gulgul was feeling the sand under his feet sliding. The water was bobbing in and out of his mouth. This was the significant moment when it was important to make him become aware, touch inwardly how it felt. Was there fear? He said a little. As the water rose he saw his body sinking. This meant that the consciousness had left the body. It was free from the body yet linked to it. It did not move away immediately from the spot.

On guiding him he moved away and went to see his mother. This is when he felt guilty of his act. He could not bring himself to leave the place immediately. His mother continued to grow old and he remained there looking after his mother.  When I asked him how many years, he nonchalantly replied till 1980. He was born in 1981 in this life and is 30 years old now.

This session as many others before confirmed that some traumatized souls are unable to leave this earthly existence. After their suicide they suddenly feel attached to their act. There is guiltiness and shame for their remorse for having left their loved ones comes to the surface. Gulgul spoke about how he was blaming himself for leaving his frail mother alone.

Some of them stay in the same house and experience depression. Souls can also self reproach and live in misery. Gulgul lived for such a long time in this condition that the thought of death by drowning must have got identified and the anger had got transferred to drinking water.

In this life Gulgul after coming out of the trance he drank a glass full of water. He also told me that whenever his family would travel from Banaras to Bombay, whenever Jamshedpur station would arrive he would stand at the window and look out. He has never visited Jamshedpur nor as a child got down at the station but he can remember the fascination for the station and the name Jamshedpur. If he knows that someone hails from that city he somehow feels his ears stand up. He had no idea that Jamshedpur has a famous marble rocks which is a famous tourist stop.

Gulgul went to Jamshedpur recently and visited the site of his suicide. He recognized the place where he had stood and drowned. His fear of drinking water has been healed completely. A single session and a miracle had happened. These amazing people who entrust their faith in me, I thank deeply for they make me believe in the miraculous that exists in them and in all of us. Hurrah!