Conscious Parenting

Few may be aware that I have more than 20 years of experience working with challenged children whether they have learning challenges, cerebral palsy or intellectually disadvantaged.
I am always invited to speak to parents and this article comes from a recent talk I gave pre school parents at a school in Khar. I thought I can share it with all of you.
Children are very dear to me and I thank Mrs Mithudi the Chairman or ADAPT ( formerly called the Spastics Society of India) where I worked for many years as a Clinical Psychologist- Therapist. At my interview in 1983 she said, 'Well you have some fancy degrees, but can you dance, sing and act.'This was an unusual request for the job I was applying for. I looked at her and saw that she meant it. I replied in the affirmative. She smiled and I knew I was in for a wonderful time. All that I know is from my days at the centre. Humility, Patience, Tolerance, Empathy, Wonder, Surprises, Laughter, Love, Unconditionalness, Concern, Care, Comapssion are all the many qualities that my children at the centre taught me. Through my two decade long association with the centre I have learnt so much from those magical souls that touched my heart. What Mithudi meant I understood and have been trying to spread it to all. The article is a short summary of someof the pointers that parents must rememeber and begin consciously to use them.

lets look at the preschool concerns that parents have;
1) If your child is irritated the concern could be lack of sleep.
2) If the child is showing temper tantrums it is generally seen that she is unable to digest the food eaten so there could be flatulence, stomach ache or she is plain hungry.
3) If you child has suddenly become disobedient then watch your toileting skills, remarks while toilet training and change them.
4) If there is a spurt of submissiveness or dominance look at the childs socialization skills. are you suddenly forcing her to change her social skills, pushing her to be more freindly when she is not ready. Are strangers threatening ... then wait for the right time to come. dont think she is crazy if she hides behind a curtain. its not starnge.. so let go.
5) If the child is crying then there is fear of separation which is looming large. look at your behavior and change it.
as you can see it is about parents making the change and not children. So parents be conscious while you deal with your preschoolers.

Lets look  at ourself with our child spiritually ..through the eyes of the Almightly first.

The sun never fails to perform its function giving warmth to all, the moon is never late, and seasons come and go similarly a child grows up physically, mentally and emotionally as the whole creation evolve. As no two moments are same no two children are the same. As you see your child don’t see a reflection of you or your husband but a reflection of god. If you do so there will never be comparison… your child will be free of it forever… you will be free of trying to better your child … this will free him from stress and lack of confidence. God has provided us with his image only for this purpose.

Today let us take a right turn… to understand the rules of conscious parenting…

1.      Face your demons:  some people believe that mothering is natural... to believe that all women will make wonderful mothers or all fathers will forget their hurt and nurture their offspring is naïve. It takes effort to hon. your skills and become a parent. The reason why you have had a child will determine how good or not so good parent you are going to be. The first rule is talk about the problems that you seem to be facing… frustration, fears, worries, which all reside in your mind… face them courageously… parents who don’t talk about their fears end up fighting and blaming each other. Such parents are reluctant lovers.  

2.      You can’t have it all: you cannot keep a full time job, parent your child, work regularly at a fitness gym, entertain your friends, cook, clean and please all and not feel irritable and angry. Choices must be made… the birth of a child changes your life forever... choice and change go hand in hand. Appreciate the choice you have made.

3.      Your children know what you are feeling:  studies on children of age 3 indicate that the children don’t become anxious till their mothers become anxious. There is a reciprocal system of interaction between parent and child. By the time children are born they have come in with their specific tastes and personalities. Some are shy, outgoing, cranky, worrisome, and insomniac. Some smile more some less. It’s okay… if you smile more there is a possibility their child does the same. We treat boys differently than girls…a calm baby differently than an anxious one. When a parent is anxious she will not be able to recognize the emotional state of the child. It is important to be calm to help you baby. Many mothers at 1 month have already formed opinions of their baby and it is seen that this affects their perception of their baby when he is 4 ½ and 10 years. The new buzz is contingent responsiveness… respond as the child is not what you expect of the child to be.

4.      Don’t stereotype your child... these harms and hurts the development of the child. Sex typing begins at birth and continues till late. Many mothers encourage cross dressing, applying lipstick on male children… toys are also specific to gender… phrases like don’t cry said too often to boys… hurts. Know your negative expectations, fears, perceptions ideas about raising children. Talk about it and make a choice to change it if you feel it may hamper the Childs development.

5.      Resolve the second child syndrome: do focus on your older child and make time for her, cook what she likes, show interest in her friends, don’t brush her away as busy you may be, involve her in the general stuff for the second one. The child is the teacher and so learns from what she is expressing.

6.      Fathers love is just as important as mothers:  two days father is willing to co parent. Allow him to. Today 40% of American children sleep in homes where the father is absent... this could happen in India soon. They say more than half of the continents children today be the time they reach 18 are likely to spend significant childhood away from their fathers. The presence of a father enhances self esteem, economic security, physical and emotional health. The development of gender role, identity depends on a good father. By 1 ½ most toddlers shift their gaze on the father. Child rearing is not a solo act.

A teen told me; Sticks and stones can break my bones but words destroyed my childhood.’

My top ten list to avoid saying and doing:

1.      If a child is crying or acts up all she wants is attention so best ignore her

2.      Attention spoils the child

3.      To give your child extra activities put off family trips.

4.       Even if your spouse and you have differences stay together for the sake of your child

5.       Pay attention only if they do something wrong

6.       Make your child play sports even if they hate it.

7.      Say unflattering things in front of their friends.

8.      Poke good natured fun at some negative attribute.

9.       Speak about a trait as if it is a liability.

10.  A child that spends time reading is a nerd.

Punishment- Only if you need to ... according to me try not to.

Remember the few rules of the rod. 

It must fit the crime

Don’t make empty threats

Present a united force.

Don’t subject your child to physical violence or assault.

" The lord smiles at us everytime a child squeals with delight.

" The Lord takes us to task everytime a child cries.

"The Lord gives us a hug everytime a child throws a tantrum.

'The Lord recives our love everytime I wait to respond to my child.

The Lord says, 'Wait, Think and Respond... you will do it right..just like i would.'