Friday, July 22, 2011

When there is trouble in Paradise



When there is Trouble in Paradise ……

This month let us look at the trauma that children face when their parents suddenly turn their world around. What leads to this situation and what shape does suffering take for the innocent child.

Firstly it is never the fault of the child that adults decide to part. Not a single divorce /separation case that has ever been presented where the cause of the break-up was because of the innocent child. But sadly most children who find themselves in the center of the firing line feel even years later that they should have done something, said something right or just not let it happen. They see themselves as inefficient when the going gets tough. Interpersonal relations are always stressful for them. This is because they believe that they are responsible for making the air easy to breathe. Research indicates that children of divorce homes are twice more likely to sail in the same boat.


The picture drawn by a 7 year old who was facing trauma due to parental strife had each member of the family placed in compartments. These partitions were drawn in the house and each member placed separately.

Secondly the image of the picture that marriage evokes in their mind is one that a young child drew in a trauma workshop. As you can see the family members are compartmentalized. Each having their own space and de linked from each other. When a child grows up in a home where he perceives that the only way to exist is to ‘mind one own business’ his world becomes fragmented. His mind begins to harbor thoughts like-
“ Am I loved?”
“ Is something wrong with me?’
“Should I do something else to make my parents happy?’

The above statements are just a few most commonly thought by the child. These occur in the child’s mind in response to their parents saying –“ Cant you be a good girl” or ‘only if you were more co-operative…’ or ‘ Daddy will be angry if you …’ or ‘ Why cant you just let daddy do what he wants then he will be okay.’ Unknowingly adults begin to sow the seeds of guilt and resentment in the child’s mind. Parents will tell me that they did not mean to make the child feel guilty and that these statements were made in a different context- but did the child know that. How can a small child even understand that what happened in the day when she was studying is not related to the fight that happened in the night for the words that hurt in the afternoon are being repeated in the night too.

 Humans have a neuro linguistic powered nervous system where every word has a image, feeling and thought. All words which have a common thread are linked together. All of their images and feelings are also coming together in a common thought. Our brain codes or stores it together. This is the reason that in therapy the child will be able to recall all the incidents that were related to the divorce in a single breath. It is as if that one breath held all the memories together. One push and they all come tumbling down.

A 50 years old woman who was on her yearly trip to meet her parents from America  came to see me last week. She spoke about the difficulty she seems to be having every time she comes to India to spend time with her parents. On inquiry she said that though her parents had been divorced when she was 16 years and both had remarried good people she was still thinking, ‘wish I could do something to get them together’. She knew it was ridiculous and unrealistic but the need was so strong that she realized that in her marriage she was very controlling and scared ; always fearful that something would go wrong; she had become very superstitious and fasted regularly. The happiness was missing she said. Her marriage was okay and she did love her husband but she felt drained cementing their relationship. When she was asked about any specific problems in the relationship with her husband she drew a blank. During the regression session she realized that she was happy and that what happened years ago as a child is not going to happen again. She was able to distinguish the past from the present and let go of the responsibility that she felt for her parents parting.

It can be seen that the wounds become scars and sometimes fester and bleed affecting ones present.

Thirdly children who have seen physical abuse between parents grow up in their mind taking sides. They have already identified themselves with one of the parent. As they grow up they begin to play manipulative games with the other. When the marriage has been a power struggle the child at a very suggestible age imbibes the wrong rules. Life becomes a playground and spouses players. Winning becomes the goal but there are more fouls called out. Children who grow in such homes feel they are victims. When you feel like a victim you go looking for perpetrators. It is like being a victim seems comfortable as they have no other experience to compare with. They feel they can cope with distrust, distress and go into damage control by marrying a perpetrator and setting things right.  Having experienced a whirlpool walking on a bed of grass may seem disquieting. This victim role gets them onto the nexus of repeating the same pattern and lands them in an equally difficult marriage.

To get out of this recurrent cycle of repetitive patterns of unhappiness walk the line towards freeing yourself. This involves three steps:

1)      Recognize that your life is not moving in the way you had thought it should have. At the end of the day it seems that you are living one of your parents life.  Decide to make a conscious decision to snap out of it.
2)      Awareness at every moment when the past stares into your face and you look at it as an opportunity of change. Change your reactions and create an alternative response. They more you repeat the response the more the new response will get wired into your neurological system..
3)      Explore new ways of coping and experiencing. This will require effort but a step in this direction will take you towards a New You.
  
“When all doors seem shut, watch carefully they may open from the inside.”

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