Conscious Parenting

Few may be aware that I have more than 20 years of experience working with challenged children whether they have learning challenges, cerebral palsy or intellectually disadvantaged.
I am always invited to speak to parents and this article comes from a recent talk I gave pre school parents at a school in Khar. I thought I can share it with all of you.
Children are very dear to me and I thank Mrs Mithudi the Chairman or ADAPT ( formerly called the Spastics Society of India) where I worked for many years as a Clinical Psychologist- Therapist. At my interview in 1983 she said, 'Well you have some fancy degrees, but can you dance, sing and act.'This was an unusual request for the job I was applying for. I looked at her and saw that she meant it. I replied in the affirmative. She smiled and I knew I was in for a wonderful time. All that I know is from my days at the centre. Humility, Patience, Tolerance, Empathy, Wonder, Surprises, Laughter, Love, Unconditionalness, Concern, Care, Comapssion are all the many qualities that my children at the centre taught me. Through my two decade long association with the centre I have learnt so much from those magical souls that touched my heart. What Mithudi meant I understood and have been trying to spread it to all. The article is a short summary of someof the pointers that parents must rememeber and begin consciously to use them.

lets look at the preschool concerns that parents have;
1) If your child is irritated the concern could be lack of sleep.
2) If the child is showing temper tantrums it is generally seen that she is unable to digest the food eaten so there could be flatulence, stomach ache or she is plain hungry.
3) If you child has suddenly become disobedient then watch your toileting skills, remarks while toilet training and change them.
4) If there is a spurt of submissiveness or dominance look at the childs socialization skills. are you suddenly forcing her to change her social skills, pushing her to be more freindly when she is not ready. Are strangers threatening ... then wait for the right time to come. dont think she is crazy if she hides behind a curtain. its not starnge.. so let go.
5) If the child is crying then there is fear of separation which is looming large. look at your behavior and change it.
as you can see it is about parents making the change and not children. So parents be conscious while you deal with your preschoolers.

Lets look  at ourself with our child spiritually ..through the eyes of the Almightly first.

The sun never fails to perform its function giving warmth to all, the moon is never late, and seasons come and go similarly a child grows up physically, mentally and emotionally as the whole creation evolve. As no two moments are same no two children are the same. As you see your child don’t see a reflection of you or your husband but a reflection of god. If you do so there will never be comparison… your child will be free of it forever… you will be free of trying to better your child … this will free him from stress and lack of confidence. God has provided us with his image only for this purpose.

Today let us take a right turn… to understand the rules of conscious parenting…

1.      Face your demons:  some people believe that mothering is natural... to believe that all women will make wonderful mothers or all fathers will forget their hurt and nurture their offspring is naïve. It takes effort to hon. your skills and become a parent. The reason why you have had a child will determine how good or not so good parent you are going to be. The first rule is talk about the problems that you seem to be facing… frustration, fears, worries, which all reside in your mind… face them courageously… parents who don’t talk about their fears end up fighting and blaming each other. Such parents are reluctant lovers.  

2.      You can’t have it all: you cannot keep a full time job, parent your child, work regularly at a fitness gym, entertain your friends, cook, clean and please all and not feel irritable and angry. Choices must be made… the birth of a child changes your life forever... choice and change go hand in hand. Appreciate the choice you have made.

3.      Your children know what you are feeling:  studies on children of age 3 indicate that the children don’t become anxious till their mothers become anxious. There is a reciprocal system of interaction between parent and child. By the time children are born they have come in with their specific tastes and personalities. Some are shy, outgoing, cranky, worrisome, and insomniac. Some smile more some less. It’s okay… if you smile more there is a possibility their child does the same. We treat boys differently than girls…a calm baby differently than an anxious one. When a parent is anxious she will not be able to recognize the emotional state of the child. It is important to be calm to help you baby. Many mothers at 1 month have already formed opinions of their baby and it is seen that this affects their perception of their baby when he is 4 ½ and 10 years. The new buzz is contingent responsiveness… respond as the child is not what you expect of the child to be.

4.      Don’t stereotype your child... these harms and hurts the development of the child. Sex typing begins at birth and continues till late. Many mothers encourage cross dressing, applying lipstick on male children… toys are also specific to gender… phrases like don’t cry said too often to boys… hurts. Know your negative expectations, fears, perceptions ideas about raising children. Talk about it and make a choice to change it if you feel it may hamper the Childs development.

5.      Resolve the second child syndrome: do focus on your older child and make time for her, cook what she likes, show interest in her friends, don’t brush her away as busy you may be, involve her in the general stuff for the second one. The child is the teacher and so learns from what she is expressing.

6.      Fathers love is just as important as mothers:  two days father is willing to co parent. Allow him to. Today 40% of American children sleep in homes where the father is absent... this could happen in India soon. They say more than half of the continents children today be the time they reach 18 are likely to spend significant childhood away from their fathers. The presence of a father enhances self esteem, economic security, physical and emotional health. The development of gender role, identity depends on a good father. By 1 ½ most toddlers shift their gaze on the father. Child rearing is not a solo act.

A teen told me; Sticks and stones can break my bones but words destroyed my childhood.’

My top ten list to avoid saying and doing:

1.      If a child is crying or acts up all she wants is attention so best ignore her

2.      Attention spoils the child

3.      To give your child extra activities put off family trips.

4.       Even if your spouse and you have differences stay together for the sake of your child

5.       Pay attention only if they do something wrong

6.       Make your child play sports even if they hate it.

7.      Say unflattering things in front of their friends.

8.      Poke good natured fun at some negative attribute.

9.       Speak about a trait as if it is a liability.

10.  A child that spends time reading is a nerd.

Punishment- Only if you need to ... according to me try not to.

Remember the few rules of the rod. 

It must fit the crime

Don’t make empty threats

Present a united force.

Don’t subject your child to physical violence or assault.

" The lord smiles at us everytime a child squeals with delight.

" The Lord takes us to task everytime a child cries.

"The Lord gives us a hug everytime a child throws a tantrum.

'The Lord recives our love everytime I wait to respond to my child.

The Lord says, 'Wait, Think and Respond... you will do it right..just like i would.'

Team of Raaz Pichle Janam Ka

Past Life Therapy - A hope from the Past

Past life therapy or reincarnation therapy is based on the karma theory and on ancient Hindu Scriptures but the therapy has come in from the west. We know that the west does not believe in reincarnation but for many years now Dr. Brain Weiss has given it a new face through his book Many Lives Many Masters. Many psychiatrists and healers have done some amazing work and through this column I am going to share the many real life stories of people from all over the world. It has been a fascinating journey for me with my work here Bombay which I will share with you through my patients reliving their lives and in effect relieving themselves from their medical and emotional symptoms.

  Let me begin with the case of Santosh (name changed).  He was a 41-year-old man who called for an appointment, as he felt that what was happening to him could not have a rational explanation. He had visited a psychiatrist who had prescribed some tranquilizers for his anxiety and depression but they were not helping his condition except making him drowsy. Someone gave him the book I mentioned above and he decided to visit me.

  On the first meeting he told me that he had shifted from Delhi in 2005 for vocational reasons with his family. This was the first time that he was in the city. He lived in the suburb and would travel every day in the AC bus to Worli. He used to catch the bus from a certain stop, which was near his home. A few days later in July he decided to catch the bus from its starting point. That day everything changed for him. He walked to the bus stop and while he waited at the bus he saw a woman aged 35 years. She was someone whom he had never met, heard of or seen before. Something happened to him. He felt he knew her and wanted to help her. He felt that he was meant to help her. A couple of days went but he could not shake this feeling that he had to help her and that he had to see her face. He started catching the bus everyday at the same time and the day the woman would not come he would be inconsolable. He began to have crying spells and depressive symptoms. He could not sleep, eat and work. He just didn’t know what to do? He shared this happening with one of his colleagues who joked and said that he was in love and thus behaving like a love lorn person. Santosh refuted this and said this woman troubled him as if he had done something to her and now will have to pay for it. Every moment he felt that he had to see her face. This continued for more than 10 months. Till his friend gave him the book. Everything changed for him when he went through his sessions.

  Santosh was put in an altered state of consciousness which is like hypnosis though here the therapist does not give suggestions but guides the person where the source of the problem lies in this life or in the past many lives that we have lived.

 Santosh was a good subject and was able to relax and follow the instructions well. He regressed into a life that he had led in 1925 where the woman he saw at the bus stop was his wife and they lived in a quiet mountainous place which we can infer as he saw them living in a wooden house. They were happy and loved each other. Suddenly one night there was a sound and he went out and encountered a tiger. In this fateful moment the tiger killed him. Thus the life that opened for him was not from infancy onwards but he was guided by his soul to see and re experience the moment of death so that the answers to his question, which had been troubling him, can come to him and insight can be developed. Santosh during the session cried and shouted in pain. He also felt and saw that when he dies and his soul left his body his wife was crying with her head bent down. As he was leaving her and moving upwards the only wish and thought he had been – ‘I want to see her face’. This was the same thought that had made him crazy the whole year.

 After this he regressed further in the next session in a life Britain that was a life in 1892 where he was married to the same woman and then saw his present son as his younger son and his brother in this life as his elder son. He saw his father who was not involved with the family and spent time reading the newspaper. There was no relationship with him and in this life too he lost his father early and did not have nay relationship with him. This is how the soul carries forward relationships that you have not been able to cope with but have still not chosen to do anything about it. In this life too Santosh dies young leaving his wife to look after the children. He is so upset that he decides to be around and we know that the soul can visit the earthly planes when it desires too especially when he has left things incomplete or undone. He sees his elder son harassing his mother and she is thrown out of the house. This life opened further the reason why she had not chosen him in this life. It is important to know that when a soul chooses another person it is in the hope that by being with the person the karmic lessons will be learnt. The woman who was seen at the bus stop had already had two lives with this person who somehow had left her to fend for herself and she had learnt her lesson to live on her own from being with Santosh in both the lives and hence did not need to choose to be with him again. Santosh on the other hand has not had enough of her and would like to help her, as this is what his soul felt in both the lives. So Santoshs soul created a situation at the age when he passed away in one of the lives so that he could see her and develops insight into his pain and grief of leaving her. He needs to see that she is all right and being looked after.

This is a unique case as the regression yielded results really fast and all his symptoms of pain, sleepiness, crying spells disappeared. He says that he is free of the agony and can feel normal again.

Santosh had other symptoms like back pain and fear of heights which were also relieved when he visited two other lives where he was a warrior who was unmarried and died when a sword was pierced in his back and magically the pain receded. Living a life of a priest during the Roman times and spreading the message of Christ he angered the Romans and he was tied in net and thrown down the mountains. Here too he was unmarried and old. Miraculously the fear of heights disappeared and he was able to look down from the 16^th floor of a building.

Santosh is today free of the symptoms for which he visited me earlier and within 5 sessions he has been able to function normally.

He is still traveling by the same bus but now it is twice a week.  He has learnt to distance himself from her, as it is not right to interfere with her decision that has been made in this life.

There are many things that are beyond science and we need to respect the soul and what it is showing us to evolve us further. A little prayer of thanks is always done after every session for my personal spirit guide who helps me.

Be the Ocean

                 ‘Give up the drop and become part of the ocean’

-         Jalal –ud- din- rumi

Who am I? Where do I come from and where will I go once this physical garb is worn out? This is the eternal quest of  all mortals. The need to find the reason why we incarnate leads us to begin our search in life. Some begin early while others later when the dusk has drawn them close to the end of  physical existence. Most of us never find an answer while others choose not to walk on this path. Many go to astrologers and palmists and return with some answers but generally remain dissatisfied and begin their search again for another solution regarding their problems. Some go to satsangs and others sit by the feet of sadhus. Some rationalize and believe that they have been born by accident and others lament the futility of living itself. Many believe in the power of dua and prayer and others think it all a big hoax. Everyone is looking for a cure, a remedy which can get them out of suffering.

 But interestingly no one wants to work at releasing themselves from pain and hurt and expect that one fine day some miracle will just happen and they will be released from human bondage.    

 

In my years of practice I have found that everyone has an interest in finding out what their past life has been. This has nothing to do with their belief. Even the ones who say that they don’t beleve do arrive and go through the session. Curiosity always takes the better of you when something as mystical as past life is heard from others.

Life has given us the abundance to love and become a loving human being. Why don’t we use this powerful energy that lives in us and waits to emerge and envelope all mankind around us. When someone does a past life session their first observation when they come out of the altered state is to say, ‘It is wonderful to be free. I felt as if I was one with the source.’ The experience of light is blissful. The celetial experince is unique and they are delighted to observe that they are not the body but a vast gleaming  force of divinity. This awarenss is enough to wake them up from their material slumber.

When this realization dawns the person begins to dissolve the lines of separation that have been created between the self and the non self. The non self is envisaged as the divine power who is considered invincible and limitless. Sudenly when the ethereal self is experienced which is limitless there is a paradigm shift that takes the veil of the belief of oneself. From being considered as a physcial entity who is entrenched with the material world suddenly you are identifying yourself with non matter. This brings about a lightness of heart and a lightfootedness. Many people will say that they feel wooly and can hardly seem to be thinking. This no thought minute has within it the energy of primal information since the beginning of the universe. The past life session provides the background to witness the oneness with the source. Light dissolves in light and all becomes a rhythmic OM. There is a feeling of being undivided and unbroken. Suddenly you find yourself singing in your heart and  sheltered  under the umbrella of love. This love is shimmering through you.    

“ The drop begin its journey and becomes one with the ocean”  

      

Present life Pilgrimage

Dear readers from today I am going to share with you my very special work which helped me to evolve as a person and also help others. I am a practicing clinical psychologist for the past 20 years. I work at a psychiatric hospital at Versova. After my SYJC, I joined G.S.Medical College and studied Occupational Therapy. While being exposed to the metaphyscial aspect  of  science I realized that I wanted to pursue it further. So after my graduation in it which helped me to gain a medical insight into conditions I approached the Kalina University to do post graduation in Clinical psychology. This was not allowed as students could not shift from one stream into the other. Dr. Kale head of Department asked me to give a written exam. He thought he could dissuade me. But this did not happen and I passed in both the viva and written exam. He had to enroll me in the program. Apart from me there is another friend of mine who did it with me. We are the only two people in the history of Mumbai University who have been able to do this shift.  Thus for me the thought is – I can do what I want to do, nothing in the world is impossible to achieve and Life is a journey to collect lots of knowledge and create memories which are wonderful. This positive attitude comes from my past lives that I have lived as a Mystic priest during the times of Christ, a nun in a convent who spread cared for the under privileged. Though I have lived lives which have been away from the domestic responsibilities at some time or the other I will have to opt for lives where I have to learn this karmic lesson too. So the most important life that I have lived was in 1775 which is linked to my present life.

I saw myself as a woman living in the Himachal most probably Kulu. I saw my home – wooden and run down with my husband in my present life there as my husband then. He was a good for nothing person, used to drink all day and not bothered about from where the food would come the next day. He did not work. I worked in the poppy field with my daughter who was 15 years old. Sometimes if you have to take a lesson or guidance you will feel or see something that makes complete sense to you. I saw myself worried as my daughter had not arrived form work. I ask my husband to go and find her but he was drinking. I rush down the cobbled path to the owner’s house. When I knocked at the door the owner opened the door, his upper torso was visible to me which was naked. His wife was standing behind him under the kitchen light. She was worried and crying. I asked him, ‘Where is my daughter, she has not returned home and its late.’ The man smiled wryly while his wife seemed concerned. Suddenly I looked to my right and I see my daughter running down crying. I instantly know that something has happened. I ask the man,’ What have you done to her?’ He does not reply and I see myself then taking out a gun (its important to realize that sometimes an original tool or object may be replaced by your mind with something you are familiar with) and point it at him. I never saw whether he was killed but I saw and felt my daughter and myself drowning in the river. We jumped from the high mountain and died. The past life is very significant for me as after reliving my past my nightmares of drowning have disappeared. Also I now know that my daughter chose me and I her as I have gone through 3 miscarriages before conceiving her. I used to always feel that she will be abused by a man and now I know where the fear comes from. I carry the debt of forcing my daughter to commit suicide with me. This is a huge debt and happened more than 300 years ago. I have to thus close my karmic connection with her and free myself of this debt by paving a better life for her. She is one of the only reasons that I have chosen this life. My husband in this life has chosen to be responsible, caring and unconditional. He provides and encourages. He oversees everything and takes care of finances. He used to drink and gave up drinking more than 10 years ago on my birthday. This action has freed him from many of his negative karmas that he is carrying. He is also now aware that he does not create any new negative karma. His work is easy but he is learning at home. Al three of us have chosen to close our relationships with each other in this life so that we can move on. This realization itself frees you from confusion of your purpose and life then becomes purposeful and divine.

 All our relationships mean something to us as we have chosen then to teach us something. Take some time and think about it.

Please do write in if you would like help. It only takes effort to get it.