In the many years of my professional practice and the many clients who have come to me the one thing that they brood upon is the many intolerable, upsetting moments that made up their childhood. Some would talk about comparisons made by their mother with their smarter sibling or their more successful neighbors daughter or just because her gender didn’t give her the Y strands to be more liked. Most would cry over physical abuse and torment that their parents lavished over them due to alcohol addiction or financial stress or family disenchantment that their parents had or felt. Few would speak about incest, which somehow got worse as they grew up and has continued to plague their thinking and raises its hood when they get into an intimate relationship. Insecurity and worthlessness surfaces and they are unable to sustain their involvement in the relationship leaving them wounded all their life. History taking in a psychologists practice is very important and for the last few years I have adopted a more insightful approach by asking them to get their baby photographs from age 0-13 years. As my clients speak about their childhood moments they remember incidences that otherwise would have remained a shadow during the interview. Feelings and emotions rise and many cries openly about the discrimination that they feel in their life even today.
When we look at our childhood the lens though which we view ourselves changes. From the many roles that we play in our lifetime, the most important role is of a child. The abandonment with which we traverse those times is strewn with innocence and
Unconditional ness to our surroundings. Due to trauma, which the surrounding inflicts on our innocent nubile, self our perception of our world changes. This results in our perception of ourselves taking a new dimension- one that begins to make us seem like a victim of circumstances.
Let me share with you all a case where you can see this very clearly. A 52-year-old journalist S.K came to see me. SK’s wife of 18 years had left him and the complain was that he was critical, angry and unable to adjust to anything in the house. He was short tempered, expecting her to bend backwards to please him. She could not take it any more and decided to leave him. His 16-year-old daughter stayed with him but was uncommunicative. He felt that he was abandoned and cried when he spoke about feeling unloved and uncared for. He was so involved with his pain of loss that he could not view his wife’s statements with logic or insight. Taking about his childhood he broke down. During the hypnotic session he could regress back to the early time where he got in touch with the suppressed emotions of abuse. He was one of the twins born to educated parents. He had an elder brother four years older to him. His lawyer father and professor mother had somehow felt that SK was a telltale and complaining. His twin brother used to get him in trouble. His elder brother too would somehow side with his twin. SK ‘s parents never believed him and they would punish him for the slightest mistake but never his other brothers. Discrimination and labeling him into a monster began early. The punishment also became severe. One day he was made to stand with a stool tied over his back for more than four hours. His belief that the world is a cruel, intolerant and horrible place grew. One day he ran away from home. He was only 12 years old. He slept on platforms and ate from garbage bins. The police found him and took him home. His anger and resentment grew. His twin was sent to his grandmother’s home to stay away from him. His elder brother was by then on his own. SK felt singled out for doom. Very soon he realized that he had to fend for himself. He began to study and was now looking for a way to get out again. At 18 he began to stay at a hostel and earn as a free lancer. His anger continued. He could not make friends and distrusted everyone. Fate intervened and he was given a chance to happiness. He fell in love with a Social Worker and they married. Very soon he began to control the situation. Subconscious simmering fear raised its hood. He began to doubt her love and would become suspicious. He would get angry and upset for the slightest of error on his wife’s part. There was a healthy exchange of ideas too as his wife understood his disposition but fights and arguments continued. He thought there were only empty threats when she said that she would leave. But one day when his wife packed her suitcase he realized that he needed help to manage his anger and childhood demons, which had never been buried. Therapy helped. He came to understand and release his encapsulated emotions and let go off the need to control his relationships. His wife has not returned home but SK’s relationship with his daughter is better. She stays with him and does not blame him for her mother walking out. His wife does maintain a friendship and he has become quite social. He has enrolled in salsa class and learns the flute. His work is appreciated and he is attracting approval for his ideas in his office. Life seems worthwhile and he worthy of life.
This is not an isolated case. Abuse of any kind is detrimental. No child should be ever made to feel that he or she is not complete or whole. A 16 year old boy that has been admitted in our hospital two days back is another case where his early academic failures and dysfunctional indulgent joint family giving out conflicting signals has lead the boy to become manipulative and demanding. Parents have been pampering since his childhood. Their motto has been – “ When he cries shut him up with what he demands. He won’t disturb the peace.” When he failed in the 6th grade they hit him with a belt till he cried and in utter frustration broke things worth thousands with his bare hands. He was hit more and this went on for months. Parents did not think for once that he could have learning disability or attention deficit disorder. Today six years later he has petit mal epilepsy, dislocated shoulder and psychotic behavior. Parents are asking the question, ‘ what is wrong with him, why does he behave like this? We have always given him what he wants? Gosh!!! When are parents going to realize that what you give you get. So wake up before you raise your hand, speak a hurtful word or /and don’t attend to your child’s emotional needs.
As a psychologist I can only appeal – “ Please see the world through your child’s eyes. Hit yourself with a belt before to think or raising it on her/him. Hear the abuse before you speak it out aloud and feel the pain in your chest before you decide to inflict it on others. Be human not a he-man.
Wake up to living and valuing the little child that you have. Maybe you need to look at your child as your mirror. The more you understand yourself the better you will cope with your child. Happy parenting means creating Happy Memories.
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